The Sea Calls
by TestShip
Summary: Modern story. Anna and John met at a party just before John left to go to war. They stayed in contact until John cut all ties after his injury. Years later they meet again under different circumstances. Through changes in both their lives, they can't be more then friends. But is friendship enough with their history?
1. Chapter 1

**I haven't given up on The Other Person, but I had this idea and I couldn't ignore it. Thanks to pussycatwithattitude for being my first reviewer and editor. I hope you all enjoy it.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine**

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The restaurant was fully booked for another night, the bustle in the kitchen proof of their success. Ever since Anna Smith became chef, after Mrs Patmore's retirement, the customers kept coming back and brought new ones with them. Robert couldn't be happier with the success and he thought it was the right time to open another restaurant, in the city. He told the staff the day before about his new plans, saying he would bring a new restaurant manager since the current one, Stephen, would move to the city. Situated by the sea, the restaurant specialised in seafood and worked with a set menu every night. Anna looked around satisfied, they were half way through the menu and every single plate came back empty with compliments for the chef.

"Anna, do you know the man Robert is having dinner with?"

Anna rolled her eyes at her sous-chef, "Daisy, we're not here to gaze at the guest of our employer."

"I know, but I've never seen him here before and we know most of his guests." She turned to Anna, "Oh come on just have a look."

She sighed as she threw her towel over her shoulder, "Alright then." She stepped towards the doors and gazed through the small round windows of the swinging doors, separating the kitchen from the dining area. She saw Robert laughing, but his guest was seated with his back to the door, a cane leaning against the back of his chair. She could only see his dark hair, and the flailing of his hands as he explained something. Somehow it seemed familiar, like she had met him before and as he turned to William, their waiter for the night, she could see the outline of his face and she gasped. She was right, they had met before, years ago on Mary's wedding, just before he left for Afghanistan with Robert. There had been a connection between them, alchemy. They had spent the whole evening together talking, laughing, sharing their interests and she could still remember every single second from the moment he brought her back home.

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They stepped out of his car and walked side by side in silence, their hands brushing occasionally. Once at her door she turned around to face him. She didn't want to say goodbye, but she knew she had to. He would be gone for about a year, and she would be here, waiting and worrying.

"I've had a wonderful evening Anna, thank you." He smiled and stepped a bit closer, "It'll give me something to think about, while I'm gone."

She felt tears coming up in her eyes, how could this be? They've just met. "Just…" she swallowed deep and looked away for a moment, trying to compose herself, "Just let me know something, let me know how you're doing, else I'll worry."

He gave her one of his half smiles, "Well, we can't have that." He took her hand in his, "I'll write to you, we're not allowed to do anything else."

"I'll write back, I promise," she replied without missing a beat.

"I'll look forward to it." He placed a soft kiss on her cheek and held his head close, "Thank you Anna."

She entwined their fingers on one hand and placed her other on his cheek, caressing it with her thumb and then she pressed her lips softly against his. "Be safe," and with that she turned and stepped inside.

* * *

They had written several letters to each other while he was away, but after his injury she had never heard from him again. She knew he had saved Robert's life during an ambush, but they had lost several other soldiers. Mary had told her he had moved to Ireland, going back to his roots, trying to heal himself from the mental images following him. No one had heard anything from him for about 4 years. She never stopped thinking about him though, wondering how he was, what he was doing, why he had stopped writing, and she felt helpless, but in time she realised she would have to put it behind her. She still had his letters, hidden somewhere only she knew. Occasionally she would ask Mary for news, but in time even that had faded and now he was back, sat there in the restaurant she loved, eating the food she prepared lovingly, talking to her colleagues. Daisy brought her back out of her memories.

"Anna, do you know him?"

"Yes, I do."

Daisy's eyes brightened, "So? Who is he?"

She was just about to answer when William came back to the kitchen, "Anna, Robert wants to see you after the last course."

Anna nodded, before turning back to her work. She was glad Daisy got distracted enough by William to forget about the whole situation for a while, so she could process this by herself. The rest of the shift passed by fairly quickly and before she knew it, Anna was on her way to Robert and _him._

Robert noticed Anna coming to their table and smiled, "Ah Anna, please sit down." He gestured for the seat next to him, "The food was delicious as usual."

"Thank you Robert." She could feel his eyes burning through her, but she couldn't turn her head, she wasn't ready to look at him.

"I'd like you to meet a very good friend of mine, but perhaps you two already met."

Now she had to turn her head, and when she looked in his eyes she could see he was surprised to see her, but only she could see it. No one knew about their exchange during his absence, she never told anyone and as far as she knew, neither did he.

He quickly composed himself, trying to look as normal as possible, but his heart was beating out of his chest, "Nice to meet you again Miss Smith. Robert was right, it was amazing."

"Thank you Mr Bates." And that was all they said to each other, before Robert's phone interrupted their silent link.

"I'm sorry I have to take this." He got up from the table and stepped outside, leaving Anna and John alone.

John could only stare. He never knew Anna was the chef of Robert's restaurant. Work was the last thing they talked about in their letters. He had tried to forget about her, but forgetting was impossible. How could he ever forget about her? She had been his light in the darkness. He needed to say something, anything, but what would be right after all those years?

At long last, he found the ability to speak again, "Anna, I didn't know…"

She sighed, "It's alright." She looked around, people were leaving and soon the place was empty, save for the staff cleaning up in the kitchen.

He tentatively tried to say more, "How have you been?"

She smiled, it had been so long since she had heard his voice, and the hesitation in his voice as he addressed her made him all the more endearing to her, "Just great and you?"

"As good as can be," he gave her a faint smile and she knew instantly there was more to it.

"So you're back then, for good?"

John sighed, "He offered me the job Anna."

"Who?"

"Robert, he asked me to take over this restaurant." Anna nodded, but she didn't say anything, so he continued, "I won't take it if you don't want me to."

"What do you mean?"

He lowered his voice, "I'd understand if you didn't want me around here."

"No," she looked away, she couldn't stand the thought of him leaving again. "We're better than this."

"Only if you're sure."

She forced a smile and placed her hand on top of his, "I am."

His breath caught in his throat as he felt her hand on his. She noticed it too and quickly withdrew her hand. At that moment Robert came back inside, Stephen behind him. John tried to compose himself, before they reached him and Anna. He noticed how she quickly turned her head to wipe her eyes as they came closer. He never realised what an effect she would have on him, on the other hand he never thought he'd see her again. When Robert called about the job, he was just glad for the opportunity. As they reached their table, he stood up and shook Stephen's hand, exchanging pleasantries, before something happened in front of him he hadn't counted on – they could have stumped him in the back, it wouldn't have hurt as much. Stephen bent down and gave Anna a soft kiss on her lips.

Through everything happening around her, she completely forgot about Stephen as he bent down to give her a kiss. Before he sat down, she could have sworn she saw John swallowing deeply and looking away. She was more confused than ever and she couldn't really listen to what was being said around her, but she did notice John trying to avoid looking at her throughout the whole conversation. He left as soon as he could, and that's when she first noticed him picking up his cane and limping out of the door.

"Robert, are you sure he's capable of running the restaurant? I mean with his limp."

"Stephen, don't be so mean. I'm sure he can manage." Anna was taken aback by the fierceness in her voice, feeling the urge to defend him.

Stephen kissed her cheek and smiled, "If you say so. Are you going home with me, or do you have some more work?"

She needed to be alone for a while, but she couldn't tell him that, "I still have to clean a bit, I'll be home later. You don't have to wait up for me."

He nodded and left. After cleaning up the rest of the mess, she walked back home. One of the benefits of living near the sea was that she could take a walk there whenever she wanted to. It was the best remedy to clear her head, but when she walked further she saw the one man she was trying to give a new place in her life. He hadn't noticed her yet, staring at the sea, cane in hand, slight bend in the knee. She wanted to turn away and walk in the opposite direction, but somehow she knew she needed to talk to him – she was drawn to him. As she got closer she noticed he had a bundle of letters in his hand and she gasped, realising what they were. She saw him putting them in his inside pocket as he turned, and that's when he caught her gaze.

He felt a bit lost for words, but the primary feelings inside him couldn't deny he was glad to see her. He gave her one of his half-smiles and it was good to see her smiling back. He could never explain why he had stopped writing, she wouldn't understand, but somehow he wanted her to understand. He wanted her to understand that he didn't want her tied down to a cripple, a mess, a shadow of the man he once was. He needed to cut all ties, no matter how painful, in order for her to be free, free of him. But seeing her with Stephen made him realise that his heart still didn't agree with his mind. He closed his eyes as he thought back to that moment where he felt her lips on his, her sweet taste, even if it only lasted for a second, he still remembered every bit. Her voice brought him back to the present.

"You left suddenly."

He sighed, "Yes, I did…" He hesitated, looking around before fixing his gaze on hers, "I needed some air." He stepped closer to her and lowered his voice, "I'm sorry."

As his soft burr reached her ears, she felt tears coming up. Just as she was getting her life back on the rails he reappeared, "Can we talk for a moment?"

"My house is right there, if you want." He used his cane to indicate towards the cottage just behind the sand dunes.

She nodded and they stepped together in silence, she matching his half-step, he cursing his injury. He opened the backdoor for her and she stepped inside, looking around and smiling as she noticed books spread around everywhere. He guided her through to the kitchen and started preparing tea. The letters she had read so many times ran through her head, as she watched him walking around, his cane abandoned against his chair. She couldn't help but wonder where he had been all this time. He sat down, after placing a cup of tea in front of Anna and he waited for her to speak, watching her intently. She looked up at him several times, trying to find the words. She wanted to ask him so many questions, but in the end she realised she was just glad to sit in front of him, sharing a cup of tea, like they had written to each other so many times. He had discarded his jacket and rolled up his shirtsleeves, giving her a look at his strong forearms. She noticed a few scars running from his elbow to his wrist, but she looked away almost immediately, she didn't want him to feel uncomfortable in his own home.

"Why did it take so long for us to get here?"

Her soft voice broke the silence and it pained his heart to hear those words, he looked down, not ready to form a reply.

She took it as a sign to continue, "You know John," he looked up as he heard her say his name, "I never stopped worrying, wondering how you were, what you were doing…" Her voice broke, "I never stopped waiting either."

He closed his eyes, "Anna…"

"No John, I need to say this." She sniffed, before she continued, "I reread your letters over and over again and when the news came of your injury, all I wanted to do was to be with you, but you never came back." A tear rolled over her cheek, "I just want to understand."

It broke his heart to see her this way; he knew he needed to say something. Only now he realised how much pain he had caused her and he hated himself even more for it. He lifted himself up and sat down beside her. He took her hand in his and wiped her tear away with his thumb. "I can't explain, not yet. I…" He swallowed deeply, he had tried so hard to forget everything he had seen, experienced, but it all came back and he closed his eyes, fighting against the memories. "I'm not the same man, Anna." He stood up suddenly, realising he couldn't do this. She had her life, he couldn't drag her down with him, burden her with his troubles, and not while he went through so much emotionally to make sure she could have that life. "Are you happy, Anna?"

Confusion spread around her as she watched him change in front of her, "What?"

"Are you happy with…" It hurt just to say it, "… with Stephen?"

She looked away, "Yes, I am."

He wasn't convinced, but he remained silent.

"John, there's something I need to tell you."

He looked back down at her and implored her with his eyes, to tell him whatever it was.

"Stephen and I…" She avoided his gaze for a moment, trying to gather the courage, before she looked back in his eyes, "… we're engaged."

The silence that followed her confession spoke volumes, they looked straight at each other and she could see John's eyes beginning to redden. He leaned back against the kitchen sink and crossed his arms, processing the news she had just shared. It was what he wanted for her, but why did it hurt so much? He stepped closer to her and sat down in the chair next to her. He cupped her face with both his hands and caressed her cheek with his thumb, his voice thick with emotion, "I wish you all the luck in the world, Anna." He slowly bent forward and placed a soft kiss on her cheek, close to the corner of her mouth.

She felt a tear streaming down her cheek as he pulled away. She quickly took his hand in hers, "We can still be friends, right?"

He smiled, "I certainly hope so. I'll always be here for you Anna, whatever it is."

She embraced him tightly, and smiled, glad to have him back in her life.

"And just so you know, you really are an incredible chef."

She laughed, "Thank you."

"How did you become chef at Robert's restaurant?"

"After Matthew died I wanted to be closer to Mary, so I looked for a job and Cora, who took over the restaurant while Robert was away, took me on. I was Mrs Patmore's sous-chef first, but then she retired and I took over."

"You deserve it." He smiled, "Can ask you something?"

"Of course."

"How come Stephen's leaving? I mean, Robert will open another restaurant and Stephen is going with him, but you're here, so why isn't he staying?"

He looked at her intently, and she knew she could tell him the truth, "I haven't told this to anyone before. To be honest, I don't like working with him, it's just strange. He doesn't take things seriously enough when I'm around. We decided together that he would look for another job and then Robert came with his new idea."

"I see…" He paused for a moment, "Does he know about… us…?"

"No, he doesn't. I never told anyone, you were my secret." She gave him a sweet smile and his heart broke a little further. "Did you ever tell anyone?"

He grinned, "No I didn't, and I never will."

They gazed at each other a while longer, thinking about what could have been. John checked the clock on the wall, "You should go home, you have someone waiting for you."

She nodded and got up. He walked her to the door and she turned to him one last time, "I'm glad you're alright." He smiled and squeezed her hand. She looked at their hands together, marvelling at how well they fitted. She shook her head as if to awake from a daydream and stepped out on the street, thinking about their conversation, the way he looked when she told him she was engaged.

When she got home Stephen was already sleeping and she quickly walked to the attic and took out a small box with a lock from under the dust. She took the chain from around her neck, upon which hung a small key, the key to the box. As she opened it, she could already see his handwriting – the writing that made her day whenever she saw the postman passing by. There was a whole bundle of letters in the box, with a ribbon tied around it. She took the first letter and began reading.

_My dearest Anna,_

_In a few days we're leaving for our last mission and after that I'm coming home. You can finally make me your famous chocolate cake then. I'm afraid this will be my last letter, we can't send mail where we're going now. Please know that I'm thinking about you either way, with or without a letter. Your letters were my piece of home away from home, and I can't wait to come home to you. If all goes well, that will be in only a few weeks. I know this won't help, but I'll say it anyway: Please don't worry about me, I've got Robert with me, we'll be fine. _

_He can't stop bragging about his soon-to-be grandchild. He said that if all goes well, he or she will be born when we get home. We can have a double celebration then. There's something else I wanted to ask you, (since it's my turn again) please consider it very carefully: Can this old soldier take you to dinner when he's home? Now, before you say no, I want you to know that I know a very special place._

_We'll meet again very soon._

_All my love,_

_John_

She closed the letter and placed it back with the others as she wiped her tears away. She quietly made her way to the bedroom, wondering what had happened to him.

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**I hope it was alright. I'll give you another chapter on Friday.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you again to the lovely pussycatwithattitude for the edit and her opinion. Thanks to all the reviewers and the kind guests who I can't thank personally. I will respond to the reviews next week because I'm leaving for France in a few hours. I hope you enjoy this chapter and there will be another within the next two weeks.**

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_Dear John_

_When we said our goodbyes and promised to write, I couldn't wait for the day your first letter arrived, and today was the day. I'm glad to know you arrived safely with Robert. I hope all goes well and that you'll be back soon, safe and sound._

_I like your idea of getting to know each other better through our letters. As you requested, I'll start with a childhood memory, but please don't laugh. When I was ten years old, my father took me and my brother to the sea to try our new kites. Mine was red with white dots and my brother had a blue one. When we arrived it appeared that the ropes on my kite were all tied together in a very tight knot and I couldn't fly my kite. I sat in the sand all day trying to untie the knot, while my brother was flying his kite. My dad took pity and offered his help, but I didn't want it. My brother even offered to fly his kite, but I refused. I wanted to fly my kite. In the end I got angry at my kite and left it, but the next day I tried again and I untied the knot in less than five minutes. My dad took me back to the sea and said: "All good things come to those who wait, Anna."_

_There you have it, a childhood memory. I guess it's my turn to ask you a question, isn't it? I can't ask you the same thing, that would make our correspondence quite dull. So how about you tell me about your favourite film? You can tell a lot about a person by their favourite film, so be careful there. _

_I'll be waiting for your next letter, so don't do anything too life threatening._

_Love _

_Anna_

He folded the letter and put it back safely in his pocket, closing his eyes to let the sea invade his senses. He breathed in slowly as he recalled the time he received her first letter – how an easy smile formed on his lips as he read her childhood memory, the joy he felt when she asked him another question, keeping his spirits up. Standing on the pier in the early morning he let the memories flow back, but only for a moment. He couldn't give in to the past, not while he had tried so hard to forget all about it, all but one. How could he ever forget _her_? But they were friends now, and he couldn't ask for more. He had made the right decision all those years ago. He didn't deserve her back then and he still doesn't, she was better off without him – he knew she was, but something deep inside him couldn't deny that he so desperately wanted to be good enough for her. She had found someone else, someone who could be there for her and he had to admit, he was glad that there was someone standing in between them. He couldn't risk doing anything foolish. He couldn't jeopardise the life she had created for herself. He turned around and walked back over the pier, back to his home. As he made his way through the sand he could see a woman sitting on the strand, looking out over the sea not that far from his cottage, he could recognise her any time. She had her hair in a ponytail and as he looked closer he could see she had been running, one of her sneakers lying in front of her as she rubbed her bare foot absentmindedly. He stepped closer and as she looked up to meet his eye he could see she was genuinely surprised to see him.

He smiled, "Good morning."

She stood up quickly, but winced as she was painfully reminded of why she sat down in the first place, reaching for her foot immediately. As if he wasn't in control of his own body he reached for her elbow, trying to steady her, "Are you all right?"

She felt the warmth of his hand on her elbow and a blush crept up her cheeks, "I'm fine thank you."

"Are you sure?"

His dark eyes pierced through her, showing his genuine concern, "I was running and I stumbled," she pointed towards her foot, "I'm afraid I sprained my ankle."

"I can take a look if you want?"

"No no, it's all right."

He raised his eyebrows, "Anna, you can barely stand. Besides we're friends, aren't we?" He saw her looking down as she smiled, "Come, let's go to my place, we can put some ice on your ankle." He didn't wait for her answer as he placed his left arm around her waist to support her.

"All right." She bent down to pick up her shoe and as she rested her right arm around his shoulders, she felt much better already.

He smiled as they waded through the sand together towards his cottage, "We're quite a pair." She looked up to see him smiling warmly at her and he lifted his cane, "Now we're two cripples."

"You're not a cripple, John." The words rolled off her tongue before she even knew it, but he gave no reaction. She squeezed his shoulder to make him look at her and she repeated her words softly, "You're not a cripple." A small smile formed on his lips and she stared in his eyes for a moment, getting lost in the memories of their first and only gentle kiss.

He was the first to snap out of it as he reached for the key in his pocket, turning the lock on the back door. He didn't let go of her until he could see her safely onto his sofa, her foot propped up on a pillow on the table. He abandoned his cane and his jacket next to Anna as he made his way to the kitchen to get some ice and to prepare them a cup of tea.

She looked around his living room and her eyes settled on his jacket. She noticed something sticking out of his pocket, and frowned. Curiosity got the better of her and she stretched her hand to pull it out just enough to see a letter. Recognising her own handwriting, she unfolded the letter. She only had time to read the first few lines before she heard John coming back. She placed the letter back into his pocket, just in time. As he came back she couldn't help but smile – he still read her letters, like she did his. He brought her a cup of tea and some ice wrapped in a towel.

As he sat down on the table to take a closer look at her foot, he looked up in her eyes, asking for permission. She nodded and winced slightly as he gently placed the ice on her ankle, but the pain soon faded as his warm hand stroked the inside of her foot. She leant her head back and sighed audibly.

He looked up and saw her eyes were closed, "Is that better?"

"Yes, thank you." She smiled.

"How come you're up so early?" He thought back to one of her letters where she had stated firmly that she really couldn't stand the early mornings.

"I could ask you the same question."

The smile on his face and the raise of his eyebrows told her she already knew the answer, but he answered anyway, not wanting to make things awkward for her, "I'm an early riser."

She smiled knowingly, "Well, on Sundays we start earlier because we only serve lunch, since we're closed tomorrow. I can't stand the early mornings and the only thing that helps me wake up is running along the beach."

"I guess it worked then." He smiled before he looked back at her foot resting beside him, "You better leave the ice on for a while." He stood up and took his jacket to hang it on the hallstand, "Can I get you anything else?"

"No I'm fine, John, thank you."

"I can give you a lift home if you want." He walked back and sat down next to her.

"I'd like to stay here for a while, if you don't mind."

"No, of course not." He smiled, "You're always welcome."

"Are you coming to the restaurant today?"

"Yes, I am. Stephen is going to show me a few things today."

"You can come early and eat with the staff. You'll have to get to know them some day."

He smiled a bit sheepishly, "I know."

"Don't worry, they're all nice, well most of them."

He chuckled, "Are you trying to make me nervous now?"

"Is it working?"

They looked at each other and burst into laughter. He stood up and stretched his hand towards her, "Do you think you can stand up?"

She shot him a quizzical look, "What are you up to?"

"I was planning on having some breakfast when I got back, but I ran into someone who needed my help." He winked at her and she felt her heart skip a beat, "So now you can join me, unless you can't stand, which means I'll be bringing breakfast to you."

She took his hand and his strong arms enveloped her as he tried to steady her, but as soon as she tried to lean on her ankle she winced. "You just want me to bring you breakfast, don't you?" She looked up in shock but as soon as she saw his wicked smile, she knew he was only teasing her.

He gently lowered her back down, wincing as his own knee played up again. She noticed it, but didn't say anything. She knew he wouldn't want her to focus on it. Her breath caught in her throat as she noticed the closeness between them, his face only inches apart from hers as her hands slowly slid down from his shoulders. He put a lock of hair behind her ear and softly caressed her cheek. Her own hand gently moved back, caressing his neck, noticing the slight stubble on his chin as her eyes flickered between his eyes and his lips. _How would it feel?_ He knew he shouldn't, he knew, but for this one time his heart overruled his mind. He could feel her hand on his neck, pulling him closer. She wanted this and in his heart he knew he wanted this, to feel her lips on his, knowing that everything they did was done out of love and nothing less. But his mind came back to the foreground, "We can't do this, Anna." He sat back down next to her, his hand never leaving her cheek as he rested his forehead on hers. "You have your life, someone to share it with. We can't do this."

She closed her eyes and a tear escaped her eye as he continued, "Please know, Anna, I never meant to hurt you." He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him. He needed to offer her more and his voice wavered as he continued, "It was for the best. You wouldn't have recognised me back then, I wasn't the same man. I didn't deserve you, I don't deserve you. You deserve so much more, someone who settles down with you, stays around. You have your life now. You can't just throw everything away." He pulled back and cupped her face with both his hands, "I can't be what you deserve, but I'll always be here for you."

"John, you have to know…" A sob escaped her, "… I never stopped…" The sound of her phone ringing made her jump. She looked at the screen and saw it was Stephen calling.

John let go of her immediately and stood up to give her some privacy. She felt empty when he left her and she tried to compose herself before she answered her phone. John walked towards the kitchen, pacing the floor as he heard her talking to Stephen. Things had gone too far, he needed to keep his distance, but she didn't want him to. After all he had put her through, she still wanted him in her life and he had to admit, he needed her. _But they were friends now._ Could he do it, be her friend and nothing else? He walked back in the living room as she tried to get up, and she looked up as soon as she heard his footsteps. They gazed at each other for a while, he wanted to say something, anything, but his lips wouldn't move. He knew he could tell her everything, he needed to tell her, but most of all he wanted to take her in his arms and show her how he really felt, he could… She stepped towards him and took his hands in hers; looking up in his eyes she was overwhelmed by the emotions radiating from him. She leant her head against his chest and slowly wrapped her arms around him, feeling his arms coming around her immediately as he placed a soft kiss on her temple. They stood there for a while, until she looked up and broke the comfortable silence between them.

"I know you're right, I know we can't. I'm getting married." He closed his eyes for a moment as she spoke those words, "I can't do this to Stephen. I will never forget what we shared." He swallowed deep as he noticed how she spoke about them in the past, "I understand that the war has changed you, making you do things I can't and will never agree with, but I have forgiven you, John. You are a good man and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise." She stood on her tiptoes, leaning on his shoulders as she softly placed a lingering kiss on his cheek.

She hugged him tightly one last time, and he didn't stop her as she turned and left. Saying those words to him, the only man who could ever own her heart completely, was the hardest thing she had ever done. She had her life and now it was time to live it. In a way she loved Stephen too and she knew he adored her, he was a good man and if she were to marry someone, he would be a good choice. John had made it clear that he wanted her to think of him as nothing more than a friend, and that was exactly what she would try to do. As she limped home her hand absentmindedly moved to the key on her chain. They may be friends now, but she still wanted to guard the memories close to her heart. She would never stop wearing her chain.

She took a quick shower when she got home, before she rushed to the restaurant. Stephen was already there and she ran into him as soon as she opened the door.

He smiled brightly, "Good morning love, how was your run?" He gave her a soft kiss on her cheek, before he turned back to his work.

"It was all right."

He regarded her closer as he noticed her limping to the kitchen, "What happened?"

"Oh I stumbled and I think I sprained my ankle, that's why I'm a bit later. It's fine." She gave him a reassuring smile, she didn't want to tell him more. When he called she told him she was still on the pier, she would never tell him anything about her and John. He was her secret. He nodded before he picked up the phone to make a phone call. She could hear him greeting John, just before she went into the kitchen, another day ahead.

Lunchtime neared, and the first customers would arrive at 11 a.m. Just before they opened the staff enjoyed their meal together. John had arrived an hour earlier, Stephen showing him the ins and outs. He hadn't been in the kitchen yet, but just the thought of having him there made Anna giddy. She was preparing the staff lunch, while John was being introduced to everyone just outside the kitchen. She could see him standing through the round windows of the swinging doors, shaking hands with everybody, occasionally smiling as Stephen told him something. Daisy came back in the kitchen, "Everything all right, Anna?"

"Yes, I'm nearly finished," she added some basil and smiled satisfied, "There, all done."

Daisy took the big pot and brought it through to the dining area where a long table was laid out for the staff. Anna followed in her trail, sitting herself down at the head of the table and that's when she first caught his eye again. He sat only a few chairs away from her, but her eyes were drawn to his. He smiled softly and gave a slight nod of his head. She returned his smile, before she focused on Daisy handing out the plates. Everyone was talking excitedly about their plans for their day off tomorrow, Anna trying her best to act as normal as usual. She tried to involve John once in a while, trying to make him feel comfortable. He sat next to William, the young man who had waited on him his first night. She could hear him asking John questions about the war and she could see John getting quite uncomfortable, and as William's questions enquired about John's injury she felt she had to help him.

"So John, how long have you lived here?"

His head turned in her direction and he offered her a grateful smile, "I've been back in the area for about two months now."

Daisy joined Anna in her line of enquiry, "Where did you live before that?"

He answered Daisy, but in fact he was talking to Anna, "When I came back I lived in Ireland for about 4 years. I came here because there wasn't anything left for me there."

She was confused – she thought his mother had lived in Ireland. She remembered him writing fondly about her in several of his letters, and he had said he would take her there some day. They kept asking him several questions, but she didn't hear most of it. She was lost in her own thoughts. Maybe his mother had died while he was there? Maybe he couldn't cope with his mother's death and the memories of the war, maybe he had lost his way and there was no one to help him.

She looked back up and watched him intently, his eyes met hers over the table and she could see there was way more he wasn't telling. No one noticed their silent link, as everyone was too preoccupied with the conversations around them. Their link was broken, however, when Stephen announced lunch was over. Everyone stood up and the waiters started cleaning up, making sure everything was in order before they would open the doors. John talked to Daisy for a while, and over her shoulder he could see Stephen walking towards Anna.

"Anna, can I talk to you for a moment?"

She caught John's gaze over Stephen's shoulder, but she quickly averted her gaze back to Stephen, "Of course."

He took her hand in his, "Robert called earlier and asked me to come to the new restaurant tomorrow."

"Oh, I thought we had our day off tomorrow."

"Yes, I know, but I can't help it. I need to be there."

"I understand, no problem." She smiled reassuringly.

"I was wondering if you could maybe show John around a bit. You'll need to work together anyway, managing the deliverances, the orders and the books at the end. Maybe you can work him in a bit?"

She had been looking for another opportunity to talk to him, and here was Stephen offering her a day, "All right, I can do that."

"I mean, if you don't want to, you don't have to tomorrow. But I was just thinking, it could spare you a night this week."

She smiled, "You're right, I'll do it tomorrow."

"Okay, he's a quick learner, so I think you can do it all in one day." He gave her a soft kiss on her lips, "Thank you." He winked at her before he walked back to give the last orders to the waiters.

At the same time Daisy went back to the kitchen, leaving Anna and John standing opposite each other, shy smiles on their faces. She made her way towards him slowly.

He regarded her intently, "How's your foot?"

"Much better, thank you." She smiled, "So how are you getting on?"

"All right I think, you were right, most of them are very nice." He lowered his voice, "Except for that Thomas."

She giggled, "I told you."

He chuckled, "That you did." He fixed his gaze back on her, "Thank you for saving me back there, I can't…"

"Don't worry about it." She smiled, "What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Nothing, why?"

"Stephen asked me to show you around a bit tomorrow, since we'll have to work together a lot."

He frowned, "But it's your day off tomorrow."

"Yes, but Stephen has to go to the new restaurant with Robert."

"I see, all right then. What time should I be here Miss Smith? Not too early I assume."

She smiled, "God no, how about 10?"

"I'll be here." Out of the corner of his eye he could see Stephen walking towards him, "Have fun in the kitchen." He winked before he turned to Stephen fully.

Anna walked back in the kitchen but not before looking over her shoulder to catch his eye one last time. They would be just fine, together as friends, she could do this.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the reactions for this story. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to review, I'm very grateful. It's been very busy lately, but I will answer the reviews, I promise. Once again thank you to the lovely pussycatwithattitude for everything. :) Enjoy!**

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Anna enjoyed her days off more than anything for only one reason, she could finally sleep longer than usual. She loved her job, but getting up in the morning to get fresh products was a struggle every day. Leaving the bed before dawn, knowing Stephen could sleep for at least another three hours, wasn't her idea of a lovely morning. Today was different, now it was his turn to leave early. With one kiss on her cheek he left and closed the door, leaving Anna alone to enjoy her morning in bed.

But for some reason she couldn't go back to sleep, thoughts ran around her head, until she finally got up and walked to the attic. The place she knew so well, she could find her way blindfolded. Up the stairs, unlocking the door, the scent of dust invading her senses, four steps straight ahead, then to the left, one step more to the closet on the right, opening the door, the first shelf. She could already see the lock of the box and a smile formed on her face. She had thought about the letter in John's pocket all day and she so desperately wanted to read his reply again, but she hadn't found the time yesterday – Stephen waiting to go home after their shift, wanting to enjoy the evening together since they couldn't have today, and as she stepped in their car she had caught John's eye. The moment she met his gaze a small wistful smile graced his features, leaving her breathless. But he turned and walked away, and all she could do was follow him with her eyes as Stephen drove past him on their way home. She noticed his limp had gotten a bit worse after a day in the restaurant, but she would never say anything. She had enjoyed her evening with Stephen, but ever since John walked back into her life, she couldn't help but feel a bit like a fraud. She had reread his letter often and she knew most of them by heart, but now he was back the need to see his words and relive every moment she received a letter became more pressing with every second that passed.

It didn't take her long to find the right letter and she began reading.

_Dear Anna_

_I can't begin to tell you how much your letter meant to me. I think you can imagine Robert being all nosy, trying to see who my correspondent was, but don't worry I won't tell anyone. You're my secret, if you don't mind._

_How can I laugh when you decided to share such a wonderful moment with me? I can imagine you sitting in the sand with your kite, getting all frustrated. A beautiful little fairy._

_I knew I could count on you to keep our conversation alive. I might sound old now if I share my favourite film with you, but I'll just have to take my chances. It's my mother's fault actually, she watched this movie almost every week and I sat with her "to keep her company". All right, here it goes. My favourite film is Casablanca. Humphrey Bogart must be the coolest actor ever, no doubt. Maybe I'm a bit of an old romantic, but Casablanca has it all. If you haven't seen it, you really should. I don't want to spoil anything, but every time I watch it, I hope for a different ending. Did I pass the test?_

_Let's get a bit philosophical now, tell me something that changed your life. _

_I'm looking forward to your letter, so I won't do anything stupid, no need to worry._

_Here's looking at you kid_

_John_

Throughout the letter a smile formed on her face, growing brighter with every word. _You changed my life, _she thought. How can things have changed so much, when all she wanted was to be with him? _Wanted_, there it was again, the past. She had watched the film several times since then and just like John she wished for a different ending every time. Even though she knew how it was going to be, she couldn't stop hoping. She got up and put the box away, until the next time.

She took a quick shower and headed towards the restaurant. She hadn't even had time to eat breakfast, so caught up in the letter and her own thoughts. She put the key in the lock to find the door already open, she pushed in slowly and was greeted by John's unsure smile. She looked at him questioningly, "How did you get in?"

"Robert came by last night and gave me a key, I hope you don't mind." She shook her head and he smiled, "I made us breakfast as well, I assumed you wouldn't have found the time to eat since your sleep is so precious."

The twinkle in his eyes and the grin slowly forming on his face, made her smile, "That's very considerate of you, thank you, John."

He smiled and gestured to the table behind him. She walked towards it and sat down in front of him. He had made tea, baked eggs, fried bacon, toasted bread and had laid out the table while he had been waiting for her.

She looked around in wonder, no one had ever done that for her, "How long have you been here?"

He shrugged, "Not that long, just long enough to do this."

"It looks amazing, and you were right, I haven't eaten." _But for a completely different reason, _she thought.

"So where do we begin?" He asked as he divided the eggs and bit into a piece of toast.

"I'll just run over the days with you, if that's all right?" John nodded since he couldn't speak through the toast in his mouth. ""As you can see we're free on Monday."

He swallowed, "Except for you."

"That doesn't matter, I'm happy to help." They shared a smile before she continued, "On Tuesdays we have the fish market. Early in the morning our usual fisherman, George, brings in fresh fish for the restaurant. I go to the market myself to check if everything is in order and to select what we need that day. When I come back I put the list on your desk, so when you come in you can arrange the financial side, which Stephen explained to you yesterday?"

He nodded, "So how early is it?"

"At about five in the morning."

"And when do I normally get in?"

"Stephen is usually here at about ten."

John's eyes widened, "That's late." He thought for a second while he took a sip from his tea, "Wouldn't it be easier if I come with you and arrange the financial side immediately with George instead of waiting for when he gets here with the products?"

Anna had to hide her smile. That was exactly what she had been saying to Stephen for years. "Yes that would be easier for you and me."

"Well, that's settled then." He gave her a sweet smile, "What's next?"

"After the fish market we have to come back immediately, because the Molesleys will be here with fruit and vegetables. They are our own farmers, father and son, who work for the restaurant. That way we always have fresh products. Then it's the same thing all over again…"

John finished her sentence, "You check if everything is in order and I do the financial side."

She smiled, "Exactly." _This is going to be easy, _she thought.

He mirrored her smile, "Next?"

"The wine delivery from Mr Carson."

John raised his eyebrows, "Mr Carson? Why so formal?"

"I don't know, we all call him Mr Carson, he has this kind of authority hanging around him."

He chuckled, "I'll have to see for myself then. He's coming tomorrow as well?"

"Yes, Tuesday is the busiest day for deliveries. He comes twice a week, the Molesleys come every day and the fish market is also every day. We have a giant freezer to store things for a few days, but I prefer everything as fresh as can be."

"Hence your success."

They shared a smile and he lost himself for a moment in her blue eyes. He hadn't slept that night, thinking about Anna – how she drove away from him with another man, the way she looked at him, trying to get as much eye contact as possible in those last few seconds, how he had been left confused. He knew that no one could ever come close to the sensations he felt when their eyes met, or the warmth he still felt on his skin for hours after she had accidentally brushed past him. But the pain he felt when he saw her leaving with Stephen yesterday had been the worst. After their conversation the other day, he had made a decision that he wouldn't show her how he truly felt, what being around her really did to him. She had moved on after he broke all contact, and now he had to live with it. If being her friend was all there could ever be between them, then he would enjoy every second of it, starting today.

But he couldn't deny it any longer. He yearned for so much more.

Her soft voice brought him out of his reverie.

"John?"

"Yes?"

She smiled, "You were miles away."

"Sorry," he smiled apologetically, "What was it?"

"I asked if you wanted to come with me to the fish market tomorrow, getting to know the routine a bit."

"I'd love to. I'm an early riser anyway."

"Good, I'll pick you up at a quarter to five." She smiled when his eyes widened a bit, "That's about all you need to know about the deliveries, I can only show you the details when we…" She was interrupted by her message tone beeping. She quickly checked her message and saw it was Stephen. John didn't want to be nosy, so he didn't ask anything but as soon as she put her phone away she told him what it was, "Stephen says he'll be home late, so you're stuck with me now."

He smiled, "There are worse punishments." He stood up and started to clean up their mess, "I'll get these out of our way and maybe we could go for a walk later, unless you still want to do something this morning?"

"No it's all right, we'll do the rest this afternoon. I could use a walk."

They shared a smile as she too got up to start clearing their table. They cleaned up silently, occasionally brushing against each other, making John smile more often and before they knew it they were on their way, walking aimlessly.

"When are you getting married actually?" John asked silently as he looked down Anna. He hated to ask that question, but it was something a friend should know.

She didn't look him in the eyes as she answered, staring straight ahead. "In three months."

"A spring wedding." He tried to sound enthusiastic, but he knew he wasn't convincing. Anna nodded, but still didn't look at him. "And the honeymoon?"

"Stephen always wanted to go to America, so we're going to New York."

"But what do you want?"

"Oh it doesn't matter that much, I'll just be glad to go away for a while."

"You haven't answered my question." He stopped them and turned to look in her eyes, the first time she looked at him since their conversation started, "What do you want?"

She remained silent for a while, gazing in his eyes, "Paris. I've always wanted to go to Paris."

He gave her one of his half smiles, crinkles forming around his eyes, "The city of lovers. You should go someday, it's a beautiful city."

She smiled, "Maybe one day."

He turned his head and looked out over the sea.

Her gaze remained fixed on him, wondering what he was thinking. Was it like her thoughts? Imagining them in Paris, together like old lovers? Or was it regret? Hurt? Pain? What was going on inside him? And suddenly she realized she was looking at a broken man. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew he wouldn't let her, not while there was Stephen. John would never let her in as long as there was someone standing in between them. Maybe that was what he wanted? Someone preventing her from reaching out to him.

He could feel her gaze on him, piercing through him. He turned back to meet her gaze, "I'm happy for you Anna, truly."

She watched as he turned away and started walking again, she took a few hurried steps and caught up with him. The emotion she heard in his voice affirming her thoughts, he still felt something. The more and more time she spent in his company, the more she realised she was stuck between what she needed to do and what she truly needed and wanted.

"You know all this walking made me quite hungry again."

She looked up as she heard his voice, to be greeted by his beautiful grin. The vulnerable man she saw mere seconds ago, completely gone. She let it go for now, answering his grin with a smile of her own, "Let me cook something for you, then."

"I can help."

She raised her eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

"I can." She still remained silent, secretly smiling as she turned her head away from him. His eyes widened, "You think I can't cook?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Exactly."

She had to hide her smile, "All right you can help me." When she looked up at him he was smiling like a little boy who just got the greatest gift in the world. "We'll have to go to the store first, the restaurant is empty."

"Lead the way, Miss Smith."

Together they walked to the local store, buying some bread and vegetables, she would make him bruschetta. John was mesmerised by Anna as she found her way to the freshest vegetables, occasionally turning to him and explaining why that particular carrot was better than the other. Half an hour later they were in the kitchen, vegetables stalled out in front of them. Anna put on her apron and offered one to John, which he politely refused.

"All right chef, tell me what to do." He smiled sweetly at her.

"You can cut the tomatoes in pieces, while I do the others."

For a minute he just watched Anna as she started cutting the vegetables quickly into fine, even pieces, until she looked up and caught his gaze. "Those tomatoes won't cut themselves you know."

He smiled, "I know, I was just thinking I've never seen you cooking. I only know that the results are always magnificent."

Looking in his eyes, seeing the sincerity, gave her all kinds of feelings. A compliment never sounded as beautiful as the one rolling off his tongue.

They shared a smile before he looked down and started cutting the tomatoes.

She to admit he had the skills and the focus on his face made him all the more endearing. She shook herself mentally awake and continued cutting, though she was less focused now. She couldn't help but look up once in a while to see how he was doing. The third time she looked up she started laughing, making John look up in confusion.

"What? Did I do something wrong?"

"No not at all." Even though she reassured him the worried look on his face didn't fade, and she pointed at his shirt, "I told you to wear an apron."

He looked down and noticed tomato juice spread all over his shirt. He glanced up at Anna and he couldn't help but laugh along with her. "At least now I can prove that I really helped."

She laughed even harder after his comment, and her laughter was infectious because he couldn't control himself any longer. As their laughter died down, they stood there grinning at each other, until Anna broke their comfortable silence.

"Come on, just give me the tomatoes. Put on an apron and then you can cut the onions."

He smiled as he passed her the chopped up tomatoes, "My shirt is ruined now anyway, just give me the onions."

She shook her head as she handed them to him, "You did cut the tomatoes very nice."

"I told you I worked in a restaurant when I was younger." He said it without thinking and he saw a flash of recognition pass her features as she remembered a certain passage of her favourite letter. He regretted saying it as he saw her smile fading, "I'm sorry, Anna, I didn't mean to…"

She looked down as she continued cutting garlic, "It's all right, John. We have a history together; we know things about each other. It would be ridiculous to pretend we don't. I know you drove your mother mad as a little boy, I know you worked in the hotel of your mother's best friend Helen, I know who your favourite author is, what's your favourite film," she paused for a minute, "I know what you dreamed about when you were away." She looked up at him, "You wrote me 52 letters, John, I know much more than that."

He didn't know what to say for a moment, she remembered everything. Even now she still knew exactly how many letters he had written to her.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this, but I know you John and I don't want to pretend otherwise."

He nodded, not able to speak as the thoughts running around his head couldn't be formed in words.

"Besides," she added with a smile, "friends know these things about each other."

He smiled, how could he not? "You're right. I like the fact that I know where that scar on your left thumb came from. I don't want to pretend that I don't know your dreams as a little girl in your aunt's kitchen or the advice your father gave you when you finally managed to untie your kite." His voice became hoarse through the emotions, "I know you too, Anna, and I haven't forgotten a single thing from your letters." He gave her a weak smile, "And I haven't forgotten about that chocolate cake either."

Anna smiled, "I promise I'll make one for you on our next day off."

"I'll hold you to it."

He held her gaze for a while longer until she looked away and continued preparing their lunch. They worked on in silence, both thinking about the other's revelations. John couldn't help but look up once in a while, admiring the wonderful woman in front of him. How could he ever tell her what she really meant to him? How could he explain that the mere thought of her was enough to help him through his dark times? Would it be right if he told her? Could he tell her a tiny bit of truth? He looked up at her once more, and in that moment he made a decision. It wasn't a matter of right or wrong, she needed to know.

He put down his knife and claimed her gaze as she stopped her actions too. Her breath caught in her throat, seeing his adoring gaze aimed at her. He walked around to her side and took her hand in his as he cupped her cheek with his other.

"Anna," his voice was barely above a whisper as he entwined their hands, "I just want you to know, during that period after the war, when I was back in Ireland, you…" He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. He needed to tell her this, she deserved to know, "Going through that, and the loss of my mother, was the hardest thing I ever had to do and it changed me, not for the better." He squeezed her hand softly and stepped a bit closer, "But you, Anna, don't you ever think that I didn't want you or even needed you. Even though I didn't let you be with me, you were there for me. You helped me in more ways than you can ever know."

He rested his forehead on hers as her arms came around him, holding him close to her.

She realised it had taken all he had to share that with her and she could feel his pain. There was so much more she wanted to know and understand, but for now it was enough. She wouldn't push him, not now.

"I was a broken man, Anna, maybe I still am, but you healed me." He paused, looking deep in her eyes, "You are healing me." He pressed his lips gently against her temple, and she closed her eyes, enjoying their proximity.

She felt his arms around her and she held onto him for as long as he would let her. She so desperately wanted to feel him closer, their hearts beating as one, his breath ghosting over her body, his lips trailing over her skin, his hands guiding her, their union healing them both. But the ring on her finger reminded her of her promise to another man – a man who told her everyday how wonderful she was, who touched her as if she was made of glass and should be treasured as if she could break any moment.

But nothing could ever come close to the way she felt when John accidently touched her. In this moment all she could think about was him, nothing else mattered as she moved her hands around his neck. She looked up into his eyes, the love he held for her plain to see.

"God Anna, I'm so sorry."

"Don't John, not now."

A single tear fell down her cheek and it broke his heart. He bent down slightly and kissed it away, but he could never take away the pain. He looked down at her lips, it would be so easy, just a few more inches and he could taste her again, feel her warmth spreading around him, taking him in.

She wanted it too, he gave her every opportunity to back down, but she didn't. And still he waited, he would never compromise the life she had created for herself, everything they did was in her hands. Nothing else mattered but her happiness.

She stood on her tiptoes and held on tightly to his shoulders as she moved closer and closer to him. She could feel his breath on her lips and she closed her eyes in anticipation, she knew she wanted this. Just as his lips were about to touch hers, they heard a sound in the dining room. They jumped apart immediately, trying to compose themselves, their hearts racing, and the need for each other still apparent.

It wasn't long before Daisy and William stepped in the kitchen.

"Anna, Mr Bates, what are you two doing here?"

"I'm showing John the things he needs to know to run our restaurant." Anna tried to act as natural as possible, but she knew she wasn't very convincing. She wanted to deflect the attention from them, "What are you two doing here?"

"Well, we saw the light burning and we were a bit worried. We checked and the door was unlocked, so we came in to check if everything was all right." William looked at John, "How are you finding things, Mr Bates?"

"Please William call me John," he smiled. "Anna has been a great teacher, I'll get the hang of it fairly quickly I hope." He glanced at Anna and he was glad when she returned his smile, although there was a bit of awkwardness in her eyes. He wondered what would have happened if they hadn't been interrupted. Would he have tasted her sweet lips? How could something so good feel wrong at the same time? He felt bad for having put her in such a position, he had promised himself he would never jeopardize her life and here he was trying to kiss her, when she was engaged to be married. But she had wanted this?

His feelings were spinning out of control and he had to get out of there before he did something stupid.

After checking with Anna if there was anything else she needed to say, he excused himself to William and Daisy, and left quickly with one last look at Anna. Confusion was evident in her eyes, as he cursed himself for letting it go that far. He was supposed to keep his distance, but the natural attraction between them made it very hard for him not to give in. He needed to avoid situations where he was alone with her, he couldn't do this to her. But he wondered if he was strong enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. It encourages me to write more. I'd like to dedicate this chapter to the lovely Guest who missed my story. :) Once again, enternal gratitude to pussycatwithattitude for everything. **

**I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it's quite a heavy one.**

**Disclaimer: I forgot to write this with the other chapters, so to be clear: Julian is king.**

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He walked around aimlessly, the thought of what could have happened spurring him on. As he closed his eyes he could still feel her arms around him, her lips so close to his. How can he ever work beside her knowing she belongs to someone else, when she was already a part of him? He shouldn't have come here, he couldn't do this, even if it was for Robert. It broke his heart every time he saw Anna and Stephen together. Staying would kill him, but was the alternative so much better? Going back to his home in Ireland to never see her again only in his dreams? Knowing what it's like to see her every day, he couldn't go without her.

He stopped at the end of the pier, his knee protesting from all the walking he had done in the last hour. He sank down on a bench, and rested his head in his hands. He knew at the time it was the right thing to do, leaving Anna alone, to let her be. He didn't want her to deal with him, or what was left of him – a crippled mess who drank too much. He knew she would have been strong enough, she was Anna, she could do anything, but he didn't want her to see him like that. The thought of her made him want to be a better man.

He leant his head back against the rail, closing his eyes. This was the second time he had nearly kissed her, but deep inside he didn't regret it. Those five seconds where he leaned in just enough and her lips nearly touched his were the only few moments where he could feel alive again. Being around her had a calming effect on him, even if his heart beat out of his chest almost every time her scent invaded his senses. It was true, she was healing him. Since she was back in his life, he felt like he could smile and really mean it. He could enjoy the simple things more like a walk along the shore.

He sighed deeply. He needed her around him and he couldn't deny it. Friendship would have to be enough. He took his cane back and stood up, intending to go back and apologise for running away. As he turned to walk back his phone rang, a nervous feeling spread around him as he saw it was Anna calling. He swallowed deeply, before answering.

"Hello?"

"John, it's me."

He closed his eyes as he heard her voice, but he waited for her to speak.

"Did Robert call you?"

Whatever he expected her to say first, it wasn't that. "No not yet, what happened?"

"Nothing, it's just that he wanted to organise a family dinner party tonight."

"And he wants you to do it?"

"Yes, he said he had promised Cora, but he forgot to arrange it. Everyone's coming to the restaurant tonight and I've got nothing. Robert's coming back earlier, but Stephen is staying there apparently."

He sighed, "Typical Robert."

There was a silence before she spoke her next words, "Could you please come back and help me, John?"

"Of course, Anna, just give me half an hour and I'll be there. I'll just go home and change my shirt."

He heard her laugh, "Thank you, John."

"Don't worry, Anna."

He hurried back home to change his shirt and went straight back to the restaurant. He stood in front of the door, trying to get his courage up. It wouldn't be easy to see her again after what happened. He closed his eyes for a minute and took a few deep breaths, leaning heavily on his cane. When he finally mustered up the strength he pushed in slowly and walked straight through to the kitchen. Anna turned around as soon as she heard his footsteps, resisting the urge to run at him and wrap her arms around him. He took a few tentative steps towards her and gave her a small smile. She didn't know what to say for a moment, but even through their awkwardness she was still very grateful that he came back, she simply couldn't do this alone.

He stared at her intently, "I'm sorry I ran away, I shouldn't have." He stepped a bit closer, "You deserve better than that."

She looked down and swallowed the lump in her throat, "I'm just glad you came back." She couldn't deal with their situation right now, there was so much they still needed to do.

He nodded silently and took a step back, respecting her distance, "What shall we do then?"

"We'll have to go to the shop again. I made a menu based on what we can find there and then we should start preparing."

"I'll follow you."

She smiled; she knew she could count on him. He once told her he'd always be there for her, no matter what, and now he proved it. Even though there was still an awkward atmosphere hanging between them, she could already feel it crumbling down around them.

Soon things turned back to normal as they made their way to the shop, Anna filling John in on the menu and what she expected him to do. She found a great help in John as they made their way through the preparations, this time he did accept the apron she offered him. Whilst working they ate the bruschetta they made two hours ago and talked to each other like nothing happened. She couldn't be happier to have him by her side again, even though she desperately wished they hadn't been interrupted.

She watched him for a moment as he was peeling potatoes, admiring the way his hair fell over his forehead, the crinkles around his eyes. She remembered the way he looked at her just before she closed her eyes to taste his lips, trying to tell her everything she needed to know and she knew now, he loved her. It was plain to see and in that moment she realised it was her call. He was free to love her, free to be with her, but she was about to get married. John would never do anything as long as she was with someone else. She was torn between what she really wanted and what she was supposed to do.

Looking up, catching his loving gaze, she had to admit all she ever wanted was the man standing in front of her – so vulnerable, but with a love burning through her every time their eyes met. She knew that when she met Stephen she was settling for second best, in her heart she would always belong to _him._ He was a part of her and no one could ever change that. He stole her heart the first time his handwriting appeared in front of her eyes.

"Are you all right?"

His voice brought her back out of her reverie, she didn't realise she had stopped chopping the carrots, "Yes, I am." She smiled sincerely as she continued.

He dried his hands, "I'm done with the potatoes, what's next?"

"You can start with the dessert, here I wrote out the recipe." She handed him the paper, their fingers briefly touching, making them both look up and catch the other's gaze.

He swallowed deeply, before taking a quick look at the paper, "Sounds delicious."

She smiled, "It's an old recipe. Everyone knows tiramisu, but this is a variant with liquor and a different kind of biscuits."

"Good, I'll get started."

"I'm right here if you need me."

They shared a smile, before he set about making the mixture.

She watched him closely as he made his way through the kitchen and started mixing the ingredients. There was so much she didn't know about the man she had given her heart to. What had happened to him? Why did he stop writing? Why did he push her away? Would he ever tell her? Would he let her in and share his burdens?

Doubts were creeping in as she pondered the future they might have, would he push her away every time it got hard? Would he shut her out? Make decisions for both of them without consulting her? Thinking back to their encounter a few hours ago, she realised he was already letting her in, revealing little pieces of himself to her. _"Don't ever think I didn't want you."_ What did he mean? He wanted her but pushed her away at the same time? He told her he was a broken man and deep down she knew she could be the one to heal him. He knew too, _"You are healing me."_ The bond they shared was too strong to ignore, but in three months she would be married to someone else. She still remembered the first time she told John, the look on his face broke her heart and thinking about it, it still brought tears to her eyes. She looked back up at him, wondering. Did he feel the same when they were near each other? Could he feel his heart beating out of his chest every time they nearly touched? Did he feel his breath catching in his throat every time their eyes met? Did he long for her every time he laid eyes upon her? Thoughts were running around her head, but every time she looked up at him all her doubts faded. He did feel the same. Only when she saw the ring on her finger was she reminded about the one standing in between them. It would break his heart, but could she sacrifice her own happiness for someone else's?

He chanced a look at her and saw her gaze fixed on him. Their eyes met and he was surprised by the longing look in her eyes. He had to look away, resisting the urge to run to her and confess everything that was so obvious. How could he hide his true feelings when the mere thought of her made his heart burn with longing? He cleared his throat and looked back in her eyes, "I think I'm done, care to taste it?"

She mirrored his sweet smile and made her way towards him. She put her finger in the mixture and licked it off, humming her appreciation as she did so. He desperately wanted to press his lips to hers and tell her he loved her, but then he caught sight of the ring on her finger and his heart sank. She had promised her love to someone else, someone more worthy.

"It's really good, John, you can start making layers now."

He gave her a faint smile and did as she told. Half an hour later he was all done as was she with the starter and the main course. They set about laying the table together. With John and Anna, there were thirteen people, including Cora's mother and brother in whose honour the dinner party was arranged. They would be there in about an hour, giving John and Anna the time to relax a bit before the big work started. They sat outside on the terrace overlooking the sea.

"Robert told me once he wasn't really fond of his mother in law, she was too American he always said, but then again he is quite old fashioned."

Anna laughed, "He is, his ideas for the restaurant sometimes." She raised her eyebrow meaningfully, making John laugh.

"I can imagine." He remained silent for a while, before continuing in a soft voice, "It will be good to see them all again, it's been so long."

He had a distant look in his eyes as she regarded him, and not for the first time that day she wished he would tell her what was bothering him and trust her, let her help him. As if he could read her mind, he turned his head to be greeted by her worried look. He offered her a weak smile, "I haven't seen them all together since that night before we left."

She took his hand in hers and turned to look out over the sea, "That was a good night."

She smiled wistfully as she held his hand tightly. He looked down at their hands and smiled. It felt good to hold her hand, a kind gesture of comfort, nothing more. He followed her gaze over the sea and settled on a far point at the horizon. They sat there together for a long time in silence, his thumb caressing the back of her hand. The warmth of his hand spread through her body as she thought back to that night. The night the man sitting beside her, holding her hand, invaded her life to settle in her heart forever.

She was shivering slightly from the cold wind surrounding them, and of course he noticed. He looked down at her and moved a bit closer to her on the bench. He let go of her hand to drape his arm around her shoulder as he took her hand back in his other, "Is this all right?"

She silently nodded as she moved a bit closer to rest her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes to enjoy his warm embrace as she wrapped her arm around his middle. This was the closest they had ever been, but she didn't feel guilty, not when she had dreamed of this moment so many times. This was how it should be, always.

They sat in each other's embrace for a long time, neither saying a word, afraid they might break the comfortable atmosphere that had settled around them since their arms found each other. In that moment no one else mattered, they were just friends longing for something more, offering each other comfort in the absence of that something.

As he looked down he could see her curled up against his side, her eyes closed. The love he felt for her in that moment was so overwhelming that it nearly brought tears to his eyes. In the years they were apart the thought of them being like this was what kept him strong and fighting. He hated to go back to reality, but as he looked at his watch he realised they had less than 15 minutes left. He pressed a soft kiss against her forehead, forcing her to open her eyes and look up at him, "I'm afraid it's nearly time."

She nodded and loosened her embrace around him. As he took his cane to stand up she pulled him back to her, cupping his cheek as she entwined their free hands. "Thank you John."

She bent down slowly and placed a soft, lingering kiss on his cheek. He closed his eyes to the sensation, enjoying every second of her lips on his skin. He let go of his cane and wrapped both his arms around her, his mouth close to her ear, "I will never forget this. Thank you."

With that he stood back up and gave her a sad smile, before going back inside. A single tear fell down her cheek which she quickly wiped away as she heard the door from the restaurant opening, along with Robert's voice echoing through the dining area.

She went back inside to greet Robert, but was surprised to see Stephen with him. She quickly chanced a look at John, his stoicism back to the foreground as he shook Stephen's hand. Only she could see through him, pain evident in his eyes as he watched Stephen pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

"Robert asked me to come as well," Stephen explained, "In case you needed help." He smiled sweetly at Anna as he stroked her back lovingly. John's insides turned and he had to look away.

She noticed John's little movement, but looked past him at Robert, "That's very kind, but John and I have everything under control, no need to worry."

"I'm not worried."

John patted his friend's back and gave him a faint smile, "Yes we can all see that." He didn't meet Anna's eye for a moment, but he could feel her eyes burning through him.

"All right then, we'll just set ourselves down and enjoy your cooking." Stephen gave her one last kiss on her cheek, before he and Robert made their way to the table talking about the new restaurant.

That's when he first looked back at her, their eyes lingering over each other's features, communicating without words – hurt and confusion evident in both. He was just about to walk towards Anna when the door behind him opened again to reveal Tom Branson and his little girl. He spotted John immediately and walked towards him, smiling broadly, "I just couldn't believe my ears when Robert said you were back."

John's eyes wandered to Anna's before he looked back at Tom, "Well here I am."

Tom embraced him, "It's good to see you."

"You too."

Anna watched from a distance as John was embraced by one family member after another as they all came in, like a lost son finally returning home. Cora held on to him for a while, whispering a few words in his ear with tears in her eyes. As soon as she let go of him he turned around and walked to the kitchen, followed by Anna. He leant against the sink, slowly breathing in and out with his eyes closed.

She watched him for a while as he tried to compose himself, but when she noticed his grip on his cane tightening she stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him. He didn't hold back either as his arms found their way around her. Holding on tightly he rested his head on her shoulder, as she stroked his back soothingly, whispering words of encouragement until he calmed down. She could only wonder what Cora told him to make him so upset.

"I'm sorry, Anna." He loosened his grip to look in her eyes, "I hadn't seen Cora since I came back. I didn't want to, not yet, I wasn't ready."

She stroked up and down his arms, "Don't worry, John. You don't ever have to apologise to me for something like this." She let him go and took a few steps back, "Will you be all right?"

He remained silent for a while, staring at the ground, but when he looked back up at her he had tears in his eyes. "She thanked me." He gave her a sad smile as the first tears rolled down his cheek, "But she doesn't know Anna…" He shook his head, "She doesn't know what I did, not even Robert knows, he was unconscious. They don't know what haunts me, what made me regret that I survived while so many others didn't." He looked through the windows from the swinging doors, "I can't do this Anna, I can't be around them." His gaze wandered back to hers, "They think I'm some sort of a hero for bringing Robert back, but I'm far from it." He wiped the tears from his eyes and stared straight at her, silence reigning on.

She took a few steps towards him, cupping his cheeks with both her hands. "You and me, we're going out now, I won't leave you to go through this alone. I'm taking you out of here."

He shook his head, avoiding her gaze, "You have to do the dinner party."

She dropped her hand to his, entwining their fingers, "I'm calling Daisy and William, they can do this. She told me they'd be back by now if we needed help."

He pointed at the doors, "But what will you tell them?"

She looked down, "I don't know. That you're ill or something and I'm taking you home." She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I won't leave you alone John. I'll call Daisy now and tell Robert. Just wait outside for me, through the backdoor."

He silently nodded and did as she told. He waited outside on the bench, his head in his hands. She was right; he shouldn't be alone at the moment. Perhaps it was time to tell her, or at least some part of it. His head jerked up as he heard a noise, he smiled as he saw William and Daisy coming down the terrace.

"Are you feeling better, John?"

"Yes, thank you Daisy, but I'll be glad to go home."

"Don't worry about a thing John, me and Daisy have it all covered."

John stood up and made his way towards them. They noticed he looked quite pale as he stretched out his hand to thank them.

Before anything else was said Anna stepped out and hugged Daisy. "Thank you for doing this." She let go of her and gave William a quick hug as well. "I've written everything down, you only need to do the last details."

"No problem Anna, just get him home and don't come back here tonight." Daisy smiled at them both before she took William's hand and went inside.

John stared at Anna for a while, admiring the wonderful woman beside him. She smiled up at him as she took his arm and guided him to his home. They walked in silence, John mentally preparing himself to reveal what had happened. As they arrived he gave Anna the keys, "I think I'm going to sit outside for a while."

She nodded, "I'll get us some blankets and then I'll join you."

He took her hand as she turned to walk inside, "You don't have to do this."

She placed her free hand on his, caressing it with her thumb, "I want to, John."

That was all the reassurance he needed. He gave her a faint smile as he let go of her, before he sank down on the bench in his garden. It wasn't long before she joined him outside with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and another one for him under her arm in case he wanted one.

She took a chair and placed it in front of him before setting herself down. Their knees were touching and she moved closer so his were either side of hers. She took his hands in hers and waited.

He sighed deeply and rested his forehead on hers, seeking all the comfort he could get from being close to her. This was the first time he would ever tell someone what had really happened.

His voice was barely above a whisper as he told his story, "We were on patrol, it was the last one before we could go back home. Everyone was talking about their homes, their wives and children. Along the road in the centre of the village a few children were playing football. Some of the soldiers played along with them. Robert and I let them, they deserved it and the village seemed secure. One of the kids, he was barely 12 years old, wore a big jacket, and he seemed packed. I noticed too late there was something wrong, I should have seen it, but who would suspect a kid as a suicide bomber?"

A tear rolled down his cheek and Anna wiped it away quickly, trying to keep herself composed as he continued.

"We were blown away. I lay there on the ground, and I couldn't move. I couldn't hear anything, and there was blood all over me, my hands, my face and I didn't even know if it was mine. I looked further down the square and there lay most of our comrades with missing limbs. I could see them screaming, but I couldn't hear them. The other children were spread around the square, but they weren't moving. A few of our soldiers were still moving. Robert had passed out next to me, because he hit his head on a big rock. I knew he was still alive, but he was losing a lot of blood. I tore off my shirt sleeve, because I had nothing else, and tied it around his head. A few bits of shrapnel had pierced through my shirt and my skin – like little needles being constantly pushed through my skin. I could barely move through the pain, but I forced myself to pull Robert behind a wall. I tried to stand up, but they weren't done with us."

He looked up in Anna's eyes and noticed the tears in her eyes, she pressed a soft kiss against his temple as she squeezed his hands tightly, trying to comfort him.

"They had a machinegun in a building around the square and they started shooting, aimlessly – whatever they could hit. I laid myself on top of Robert and tried to cover my head. They slaughtered everyone who was still alive. Robert and I were lucky to be close to a wall. They stopped shooting and I took my chance. I stood up quickly and pulled Robert behind a wall, and that's when they hit my knee. I fell down immediately, but I got Robert safe. The windows around us were all shattered and I crawled behind the wall, one hand pressed to my knee, using my other arm to crawl over the ground through the glass. The shards cut through my arm, but I didn't care, I had to get behind that wall. They threw a grenade at us, but I made it just in time. I called for back-up through the radio, but it took a whole hour for them to get there. When I looked over the wall I saw everyone spread across the square in pools of blood, the children, their own children were nothing more than collateral damage. The shooting had stopped; they must have thought we were dead. There was one kid who had noticed me and Robert. He can't have been older than 10 and he pointed his gun at us…"

Emotions overtook him as he tried to continue. Tears streamed down his face freely and he held onto Anna, reassuring himself that she was real, and he wasn't back there.

"He was so young." His grip on her arms tightened as he looked in her eyes, "I had to shoot him, Anna." He broke down completely, guilt overtaking him as he uttered those words out loud for the first time. "I had no other choice, he was going to kill us."

She cried with him as she tried to comfort him, it broke her heart to see him like this. She moved herself next to him and wrapped her arms tightly around him, soothing him, cradling him. He pushed back a little to look in her eyes,

"I'm no hero, I'm a coward who shot a kid to survive."

"Don't say that, John. You're not a coward. It was self-defence, you said so yourself you had no other choice. You know Robert would have done the same, you know he would."

"What kind of a world is this where I have to defend myself against a child?" He broke away from her embrace, leaning forward with his head in his hands.

"Look at me, John." She took his hands and made him turn towards her, "What you've been through is indescribable. War is unfair, but you, John..." She placed her hands on either side of his cheeks, "You did what anyone else would have done. It took a great deal of courage to do what you were forced to do. You're not a coward. You are the bravest man I know. You can't blame yourself for what happened to your comrades."

His voice sounded so weak as he spoke, "It was just a kid, someone's son, someone's brother." He rested his forehead on hers as he entwined their fingers, "When I pulled that trigger I knew I could never be worthy of you again." He closed his eyes, "When I got back I was in hospital for weeks, under a lot of morphine to numb the pain and for a while it made me forget, but it wasn't enough." He paused for a while, not ready to share everything.

He looked up in her eyes, his hand moving to cup her cheek.

"You know what I thought about when I lay there?"

She shook her head and wiped away another tear from his cheek.

"You." His voice sounded hoarse as he spoke, "I thought I'd never see you again, never know the feeling of you curled up against me, never know what it would feel like to kiss you, really kiss you." He stroked her bottom lip with his thumb, his eyes wandering between her lips and her eyes. "I thought I would never get to tell you that I..." He closed his eyes, breathing his next words out with all the sincerity he had, "... that I love you."

He could feel a tear rolling down his hand and he opened his eyes to see Anna crying before him. He drew her closer to him to wrap his arms around her and whisper in her ear,

"I didn't push you away because I didn't want you. I pushed you away because I loved you."

She loosened her embrace to look in his eyes. He loved_ her_. This wonderful man who had just bared his heart and soul to her loved her. She couldn't say anything through her emotions, she had waited years for him and here he was offering her his heart.

She looked down at their entwined hands and smiled, this was right. "I only ever loved you." She lifted her gaze to meet his intense stare, "I only ever wanted you." Her hands caressed his cheeks, "I only ever thought of you." She could feel his hands coming up her cheeks, mirroring her actions, "I knew from the moment I met you that there could never be anyone else."

He closed his eyes and sighed, "Oh god Anna, I'm so sorry."

She shushed him lovingly, "We're done apologising, John. We can't change the past, even if we want to."

He pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and placed a soft kiss on her temple. She rested her head on his, whispering in his ear, "Please just kiss me, John."

He turned his head slightly, gazing in her eyes, wondering if she really meant what she said. He pressed his lips softly against the corner of her mouth, giving her every opportunity to push him away, but she didn't.

Instead she turned her head towards his fully, opening her lips slightly as he tenderly brushed his lips against hers. He backed away again, looking for any sign of remorse, but he could only see pure devotion and love. Then he pressed his lips fully against hers, savouring each moment as he slowly got familiar with her taste. He tenderly caressed her lips with his as he gently encouraged her to open up to him. Her hands moved to his hair as she pulled him closer, opening her mouth to caress his bottom lip with her tongue. He slowly accepted her invitation, meeting her tongue with his own as years of longing came together in this one perfect kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm back from my trip through England, so here's another chapter for you. :) I'm a bit anxious to post this one, even though pussycatwithattitude reassured me. I really hope you like it. Thank you very much for all the reviews, they really do mean the world to me. Let me know what you think of this one. **

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Anna had gone home a few hours ago, but sleep had eluded him. He had confessed everything to her – almost everything. There was more to tell, but he couldn't burden her with all of his troubles in one evening. He had kissed her, really kissed her and he could still feel her warmth around him. She had cried in his arms as he finally confessed what he had known for years. That he loved her. The kiss they shared would stay with him forever, how her hands had guided him closer as their kiss deepened.

She had asked for time, time to break with Stephen, time to tell everyone they worked with, time to give it all a place in her life and that's what he would give her, time. He'd wait forever for her.

In about five minutes she'd be back at his door to go to the fish market. They had decided to go on as before in the knowledge that they shared so much more. He had just put his jacket on as the doorbell rang. Opening the door he looked down at Anna, he had expected her to be a mess – it being so early – but the smile on her face proved him wrong. He greeted her with one of his own and stepped outside, locking the door behind him.

He stood in front of her awkwardly, not knowing what to do and he could see she felt the same. He took a step closer and entwined their fingers, lifting them to his lips and pressing a soft kiss on her knuckles. "Good morning."

She closed her eyes as she felt his lips on her skin, leaving her speechless for a moment. She opened her eyes to be greeted by his wonderful smile and she had to resist the urge to kiss it away. She was still an engaged woman and she couldn't be seen kissing another man. Instead she squeezed his hand softly and placed a tender kiss on his cheek, "Good morning to you."

Together they walked to her car, side by side as close as they would dare. They drove in silence, but he couldn't resist casting a few sideways glances at her. Admiring the woman who had given him her heart, he noticed for the first time the chain around her neck with a small key upon it. He wondered what it was for, but he wouldn't ask, she would tell him if she wanted to. She could feel his eyes on her as she drove to the harbour and she couldn't hold back the small smile forming on her lips. His eyes didn't leave her as she parked the car in her usual spot, away from the bustle of the market. Looking around she noticed they were alone and then her eyes found his. She took his hand in hers and pulled him closer to her, her hand moving to cup his cheek and guide his lips towards hers. She had been thinking about this ever since she walked away from him the previous night, his taste lingering on her lips as she made her way home.

As his lips moved over hers, she couldn't withhold a small moan at the back of her throat. He broke away chuckling, placing one last kiss on her lips before he let her go. He looked around quickly, making sure no one had seen them, and took her hand back in his, his gaze fixed on hers.

She avoided his intent gaze for a moment, tracing her lips with her finger, "I missed you."

He smiled, "We've only been apart for a few hours."

"I know, but now we're here, sneaking around." She looked back up at him, "I'm afraid we won't be together very soon."

He squeezed her hand softly, "I told you yesterday, I'd wait forever for you." She smiled, tears forming in her eyes as he caressed her cheek with his thumb, "One day at a time."

"You're right." She placed another soft kiss on his lips, "Let's get some fish, shall we?"

He nodded and stepped out of the car. Together they made their way to the market, their hands occasionally brushing as they kept walking closer and closer to each other, not able to resist being near each other. He followed Anna through the crowd towards George's boat. He saw the man smiling as he noticed Anna making her way to him.

"This is John, the new restaurant manager." Anna introduced the two men as they shook hands.

"A restaurant manager coming to the fish market? Wonders never cease." George eyed John suspiciously, stopping at his cane.

"Can't let you two do all the work, can I?"

Anna had to hide her smile as she watched their encounter, "John's going to change a few things."

As John explained his plan to George he seemed already convinced that John would do better than Stephen. He never did like that guy, seemed to think he was better than anyone else. John was sincerely interested as he asked George questions about fishing. George explained everything with an admirable passion, taking John on board as Anna checked the fish George brought in that morning. She smiled as she saw John climbing on board, stumbling a bit.

Five minutes later he was back by her side, smiling down upon her, "Everything in order?"

"Of course." She gave him a sweet smile.

John turned to George, "I'm sorry to say, but I still can't do the financial side. I'm not the manager yet."

"No problem, John, I'll see you two in about an hour and a half."

They shook hands as they said their goodbyes, before walking back to the car. Anna couldn't stop looking at John, until he finally turned to her fully, "What?"

She smiled, "You two seem to get along quite well."

"He's a nice guy, good at his job I suppose." He gave her one of his half smiles before he stepped back in the car.

They drove back to the restaurant, where the Molesleys would be waiting. She stopped the car in front of the restaurant, but there was still no sign of them. Neither stepped out of the car, not wanting to end their alone time. She stared straight ahead, until she felt John taking her hand in his.

"You're not wearing your ring today." He caressed her finger with his thumb.

She smiled, "It didn't feel right." She turned to catch his gaze, "It never felt right."

He couldn't resist pressing his lips softly against hers and she wrapped her arms around him immediately to pull him closer, not wanting to lose contact so soon. He reluctantly pulled away, pressing a kiss against her temple. He looked in her eyes, and whispered, "I'm going to marry you one day."

A single tear escaped her eye and she wiped it away quickly, "I can't wait."

They shared a smile, and he squeezed her hand one last time before he stepped out, indicating that the Molesleys were there. Anna took a few deep breaths to compose herself before she followed John. She introduced them to each other, exchanging pleasantries before father and son started loading out the van. John noticed Joseph, the son, looking at Anna with longing eyes and he had to hide his grin. She didn't even realise.

He followed them inside as he listened to Anna giving them instructions on where to place their products. They didn't stay long, and before they knew it they were alone again.

John leant against the sink as he watched Anna examining the vegetables. She could feel his eyes on her back, but she didn't turn around, "What is it?"

He chuckled as he made his way towards her, wrapping his arms around her from behind, his head resting on her shoulder. She entwined their hands as she leaned back against him, humming her appreciation as he pressed a tender kiss to her temple. "He likes you."

She turned her head raising her eyebrow, questioning him with her eyes,

"That Molesley guy."

"No he doesn't."

"Oh believe me, he does." He gave her a quick peck. "His eyes were all over you."

"Well then, he'd better start looking the other way."

He chuckled, lowering his voice to a husky whisper, "He'd better."

She smiled and turned around in his arms to crush her lips on his, moving her hands to his neck to bring him closer and deepen their kiss. His hands moved up her body, but he stopped abruptly as he heard her phone ringing.

She looked in his eyes, noticing how his eyes had darkened, "Ignore it."

"Are you sure?"

She claimed his mouth with her own in answer to his question. That was all the affirmation he needed as he lifted her up to set her on the worktable, evening their heights. His knee hurt, but that was the last thing on his mind as she wrapped her legs around his middle and pulled him closer to her. She needed to feel him closer and just the thought of having him that close made her heart beat faster. His hands moved up again to stop just beneath her breasts. She wanted to feel more of him and she guided his hand under her shirt, just so she could feel his warm hand on her bare skin. She unbuttoned a few buttons of his shirt, letting go of his mouth to see what she was doing.

Her phone started ringing again, but as his lips found her neck she quickly shut out the noise, hearing and feeling nothing but him. Her hands found their way into his shirt and she softly moaned as she felt the coarse hairs stroking her hands.

He cupped her cheek and guided her mouth back to his, slowing them down as he gently removed his hand from under her shirt. He wouldn't do this here, she deserved so much better. He cupped her cheeks with both his hands, his voice full of emotion, "I love you so much, Anna Smith."

She rested her forehead against his and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, "I love you too, John Bates." They shared a smile and she couldn't resist placing one last kiss on his lips. He gladly reciprocated as he took her in his arms and placed her back on the ground. They reluctantly pulled away as the need for air became more pressing.

She held his face close to hers, "It won't always be like this."

"I know." He gave her a gentle smile as he placed a kiss on her nose.

She kept her arms around him, "I think I'm going to tell him tonight."

"You don't have to rush yourself for me."

"No, I'm being completely selfish here, I can't be without you for more than five seconds."

He smiled, "Only when you're ready."

She placed her lips on his one last time before she let go of him completely to check her phone. She noticed she had two missed calls and several messages from Stephen. She frowned, he was usually still asleep at this hour. She called him back immediately looking at John as she waited for Stephen to pick up. He smirked at her as he buttoned up his shirt, raising his eyebrow as she threw him a sweet smile. He was just about to say something as she greeted Stephen.

"Anna, where have you been? I called you twice already."

She looked over at John, "I'm sorry I was busy. What's the matter?"

"Could you please come home? I need to see you." His voice broke as he uttered those last words.

She heard the need in his voice and worry filled her, "Stephen, what's happened?"

"Please just come home." He was pleading with her.

"Give me five minutes." She put down her phone and steadied herself.

"What's wrong?" John stepped a bit closer and reached for her hand.

"I don't know, he wouldn't say. I need to go, John, he needs me."

He dropped his hand immediately, _he needs me. _His heart sank at those words and he noticed she avoided his gaze.

"Daisy's coming in about an hour, if I'm not back by then, tell her I'm with Stephen and that something's wrong. Could you arrange the financial side for now? I don't think Stephen's coming in today."

John nodded silently, afraid his voice might break if he said anything. With one last look over her shoulder, she left John and hurried home to Stephen. As he watched her go, he could feel that something was about to change them. Anna had avoided his gaze and ignored him reaching out for her. But this was right, wasn't it? He could only hope she didn't regret what happened.

* * *

She opened the door, holding her breath, preparing for the worst. She found Stephen on their sofa, phone in his hands, tapping his foot nervously. He looked up as he heard her footsteps coming into the living room. She noticed the red circles around his eyes as she sat down next to him and took his hand.

He broke down completely as her arms enveloped him. She soothed him, but she couldn't help but think about John. She tried to focus her attention back on Stephen, trying to calm him down.

"What happened, Stephen?" She gently wiped his tears away.

"My parents were in a car crash." Anna's eyes widened in shock, but he continued. "My mother died instantly, but dad is still fighting. He's in surgery now, and I'm waiting for a phone call."

"Oh Stephen, I'm so sorry." She hadn't met them very often, but she knew what it was like to lose one's parents and she could easily imagine what he was going through. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and pressed a soft kiss against his temple.

Together they waited and waited. He held onto her hand tightly, caressing her hand with his thumb. She closed her eyes as she imagined John doing the same, his words still fresh in her head, _I'm going to marry you one day. _Holding Stephen's hand made her think back to the night before, where she held John close to her, his hand in hers, spreading a warmth through her she had never felt before. The feelings she felt that morning when that same hand had touched her just above the waistband of her jeans, caressing her hip, moving up so his thumb nearly grazed her breast. She lost herself for a moment, thinking about John, but Stephen's voice brought her back out of her reverie.

"You're not wearing your ring today."

She felt guilt washing over her, "I must have forgotten it." She looked back in his eyes, "I'll get it now, it's probably still on the sink."

He squeezed her hand softly and gave her a weak smile, even though the confusion was evident in his eyes.

She walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind her, slowly breathing in and out. She took the ring and placed it over her finger, John's words echoing in her mind again _I'm going to marry you one day. _She heard his voice over and over in her head and it brought tears to her eyes. How could she leave Stephen to go alone through this? Now she and John had made their promises, finally giving in to each other after years of longing, this happened. She sat down for a moment on the edge of the bathtub, trying to compose herself, but the tears kept falling. She looked at the ring on her finger, imagining the man standing at the end of the aisle, and she knew in her heart that there could be only one. She wiped her tears away, but the tears streamed only harder as she realised that the man who gave her this ring wasn't the one she wanted to be with forever.

She was startled by Stephen coming into the bathroom. He looked down at her through his tears, his phone still in his hand as he pulled her up in his arms. "He didn't make it."

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held on tightly, trying to comfort him as best as she could.

Tears kept streaming down his face, "You're all I've got now."

With those words her whole world came tumbling down, because she didn't know what to do. She cried with him, but for a whole different reason. John's words never left her thoughts as she tried to comfort the man who thought he owned her heart.

* * *

It had been nearly two hours since Anna had left and John had taken over the whole managing business. He had explained the whole situation to Mr Carson as he arrived, starting with introducing himself. Mr Carson had been kind enough to help John through the first order, making everything easier for him.

By the time Mr Carson left Daisy had come in. John retold the whole story and Daisy started working at once, she had to work for two now. Ivy, the new kitchen maid, came in an hour later, taking on the role of sous-chef for one day as Daisy enjoyed her day as chef.

Everything was running smoothly in the kitchen, giving John the time to talk to William. He had come an hour after Daisy, and he was glad to help John on his first day alone. John was very grateful for William, without him things wouldn't have gone as good. George came in as well with the fresh delivery as William and John checked the dining area. John dealt with him fairly quickly, so he could focus on the other tasks at hand. George had just left as Anna came in.

His eyes were drawn to her immediately, but he stood at the back of the group as the whole staff gathered around her. She avoided looking at John as she told them all what had happened. Everyone became quiet, taking the news in. John tried to catch her gaze and she had to try very hard to look past him. She couldn't look at him or she would burst into tears again. He felt a lump forming in his throat as he realised how this would change everything. He saw her engagement ring back in its place and he knew they needed to talk, rethink their future. If they even had a future?

Daisy was the first to suggest they should start working again, saying the restaurant wouldn't stop running if they did. Everyone went back to their jobs, Anna following Daisy to the kitchen. John followed her with his eyes, silently begging for her to turn around and give him one look. He knew he could be strong enough to get through today, if she would just meet his gaze for one moment.

She could feel his eyes burning on her back and fresh tears came to her eyes. She needed to talk to him, hold him, love him, anything – if only she could see a way out. For now she could do with just one look, she needed to see his reassuring gaze fixed upon her. She had to turn around, just one moment, just one look.

He kept staring at her, no one noticed them, everyone too busy getting the restaurant ready. She stopped and his heart was nearly beating out of his chest. He took a few steps closer, but stopped himself, realising he couldn't do anything. She turned around and their eyes met. They both had tears in their eyes, realising how this would change their whole situation. She wiped away another tear from her eye as they stared at each other. Before too long she broke their link and turned to go to the kitchen.

The rest of the day happened in a daze for John. He hadn't seen Anna much, as she was going between the restaurant and home, trying to be a comfort to Stephen. He had gone to the hospital after she left to the restaurant. Even though she offered to go with him, he refused, saying she needed to keep the restaurant up and running.

John's first day as manager went well enough, considering he wasn't really prepared. He had a lot of help from William, making it a bit easier for him. After the shift everyone went their separate ways until the next day. Anna stepped into her car without one look at John, and it broke his heart.

He walked back home, but his mind kept going ways he didn't want it to go and he needed to get out. It was nearly midnight and he still hadn't heard from Anna when he stepped out into his garden, intent on taking a walk along the shore. He froze as he saw Anna coming towards him through the garden fence.

Just in that moment she looked up at him and she burst into tears. She closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his middle, burying her face in his chest. He was a bit taken aback by her sudden movements, but welcomed them all the same as his arms found their way around her automatically. He pressed several kisses upon her forehead, but he couldn't fight back the tears forming in his eyes.

When she had calmed down, she looked back up at him – the adoration in his eyes never failing to amaze her. He took her hand in his and pressed a tender kiss on the back of it before he guided her to sit on the bench with him.

They remained silent for a long time, until John uttered his first concern, "How are you?"

She sighed, "As good as can be."

He tightened his grip around her middle, and pressed a soft kiss against her temple, "Where are we now?"

"I don't know." She placed her head on his shoulder, "All I know is that I love you."

He could feel she wanted to say more, even though those words meant the world to him, "But?"

She lifted her head to look into his eyes, "How can I leave him now?"

John's world fell apart when he heard her say those words, but he couldn't think of anything to say.

"He said I'm all he's got left." More tears streamed down her face, "What can I say to him? Sorry Stephen, I don't love you and I never really did. He just lost both his parents." She looked in John's eyes, "I don't know what to do, John, I really don't."

He sighed and rested his forehead against hers, "You are the kindest soul I've ever met. You are strong, you can do anything." His voice broke as he uttered his next words, "But I'm afraid that if you leave him guilt would consume you and it would break your spirit. I don't want to be the cause of that."

She backed away and looked at him in shock, "What are you suggesting? That I leave you?" Her grip on his hands tightened, "Listen to me, John, I love you and losing you would break my spirit."

He looked at her with pure devotion in his eyes, "I love you too, Anna." He pulled her closer and placed a soft kiss on her cheek as he held her, "I always have and I always will. You are perfect and I wouldn't change one thing about you."

She closed her eyes and allowed the tears to stream freely. He kissed away each tear, trying to take away her pain, but nothing could stop her tears. The kisses John was placing on her face broke her heart even further and she realised they needed to do something soon.

"I can't live without you, John, I need you."

"God knows I need you too, Anna." He pressed his lips to hers in a desperate kiss, holding onto her as if she might disappear if he let go. She wrapped her arms around him, clinging on to him, assuring herself that he was still there. She broke away too soon, her tears dried up for now.

"We have something special and I won't give that up for someone else's happiness. It would make us both miserable and you know that." She took his right hand and placed their palms on each other to slowly entwine their fingers, "Nothing ever felt as good as you and me together." She took his other hand and mirrored her own actions, "We are made for each other, you are a part of me and nothing should come between us, not now." She squeezed his hands softly, "Do you understand?"

He silently nodded and placed a tender kiss on her lips, "What are we to do then? As much as I would like you to be with me, I know you can't leave him now."

"You're right, that wouldn't be fair." She sighed, "I'm afraid I'll have to pretend until I can find the right moment."

He closed his eyes, imagining her kissing Stephen, embracing him and he felt a bit sick. It had been painful enough to see those things before they had confessed their love for each other, and he knew it would be even harder now he knew she shared his feelings.

She watched him closely, "It might take a while."

He knew he couldn't face it, he knew it would be too much for him. But he couldn't avoid them, not while he worked for Robert. He would see them together every day and it would break him piece by piece, even though he knew their hearts were tied together by an unbreakable bond.

He opened his eyes again to be greeted by her worried look. She was imploring him with her eyes to tell her what was on his mind. He shook his head, and bent forward, "I don't think I can face it."

"What do you mean?" She gently stroked his back.

He looked over his shoulder, "You and him."

A look of understanding dawned on her and she swallowed deeply, "I don't know what else we can do."

He nodded silently, contemplating an idea he didn't dare to share.

She moved to sit down in front of him, between his knees. She looked up at him and took his hands in hers, she needed to reassure him, "I'm not going to give myself to him."

John closed his eyes, trying to take away the mental images, "You don't have to tell me, Anna."

"Yes, John, I do. I need you to know." She paused, making him look in her eyes, "Trust me."

He gave her a faint smile, "You're the only one I ever trusted."

He took her face in his hands and lifted her lips to his, assuring her he meant what he said. She stood up, her lips never leaving his as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He reluctantly broke away, looking up in her eyes. He took her hands from around his shoulders, and guided her back next to him, his arm finding her shoulder automatically.

She placed a soft kiss on his neck, and she could see a small smile forming on his lips, "Do you remember what you wrote to me when I asked you about your dreams?"

His smile grew wider as he studied their hands together, "I wrote about a little hotel in my hometown." He could feel her placing another kiss on his temple, "I told you I would buy it from Helen one day and renovate it." He turned his head to look at her, "I said I would take you on as a chef, so my guests would have the best chocolate cake they could ever wish for."

She smiled and placed a soft kiss on his lips, waiting for him to continue.

"I dreamt about you and me, owning the hotel together. You bossing me around," he chuckled as she gave him a playful slap, "me following you everywhere." He gave her a soft kiss to make up for it, which she gladly accepted. "I thought about a little blonde girl running around in our garden, looking exactly like you."

Tears formed in her eyes as she listened to him, "What else?"

He smiled, "You and me in our private quarters, a warm fire glowing – our children sleeping upstairs."

"Children?"

"Well, yes I figured we would be quite happy."

He looked shy when he told her that last part and she fell even more in love with him, if that was even possible. She couldn't resist pressing a tender kiss on his lips, proving to him that she agreed with his last statement. "What else?"

He held her close to him, "We would sit in front of the fire, a cup of tea in our hands and I would tell you over and over again how much I love you, every part of you." He looked in her eyes and wiped away a tear from her cheek, "I would make love to you and show you exactly how much I adore you." He pressed his lips against hers lovingly and she pulled him closer immediately, deepening their kiss.

She pulled back a little, "Your dream became mine when I first read about the little hotel. It will happen, John, we will have that. Just you and me."

He gave her a cheeky grin, "And the children."

"Of course." She kissed away his smile.

He rested his forehead on hers, repeating the words he had told her earlier, "One day at a time."


	6. Chapter 6

**I know it's been a very long time since I last updated this story and I'm sorry. I promise you won't have to wait as long for the next chapter. Thank you very much for all your reviews, favourites and follows. They really do mean the world to me. I will answer the reviews tomorrow. Thank you to all the lovely guests as well, I appreciate your reviews very much. (Thank you Lourdes, Lauren, scootsaw, kb, wisant, scottery, lee and all the other guest who didn't leave a name.)**

**As always thank you very much to pussycatwithattitude for everything. Please check her stories as well, they're truly beautiful.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine**

* * *

It had been three days since they had their last private conversation and John missed her, every part of her. The way her smile would brighten every time she aimed it at him, how her hand would seek his out to give it a soft, reassuring squeeze, how her arms would circle around him as she lifted her chin to meet his lips. He knew it would be hard but this was too much for him. They hadn't even found the time to have a few moments together to steal one kiss. All he had were the few longing looks they shared whilst working. Stephen needed her and he understood, but even their mornings together had been snatched away.

Anna had agreed with Robert that she would work half-time until after the funeral. She would come in late in the morning to help with the preparations and leave before the staff dinner. Through the unfortunate incident John had taken over as manager sooner than expected – Stephen not able to fulfil his duties as the grief consumed him. Daisy had taken over as chef for a week, whilst Anna and Stephen arranged the funeral. Early mornings to the fish market were now shared with Daisy, instead of Anna. Orders were now completed with Daisy by his side, instead of Anna and it was too much. Every part of him longed for her, to hold her close, tell her he loved her, to kiss her – anything. She had called him a few times, but it wasn't enough. In a way he felt selfish, wanting to have her all to himself, while Stephen had to process the fact that both his parents had died.

He could see she was suffering as well. The few hours she spent in the restaurant she would try to catch his gaze several times, trying to tell him she missed him and needed him just as much as he needed her. But every time they were near each other, someone else would come calling for one of them, taking them apart again. She had taken his hand in hers the first day after their conversation while they were both standing behind the bar. It was the last time they had felt each other's skin. Text messages and phone calls could never replace the feeling of being together. He needed to do something, anything, if he could only hold her in his arms for a few stolen moments.

With those thoughts he had started his day as usual, going through the same routine with Daisy. It wasn't that he didn't like her, but she wasn't Anna. When they got back to the restaurant, John was glad he could retreat for a while into his small office above the restaurant. He needed to tell her how much she meant to him, how much he needed her, how she was the only thing he could think about throughout the day. But most of all she needed his reassurance; he could see it in her eyes. She needed him to tell her it would be all right, that they would find a way to get through this. It was just another obstacle in their way, one they could easily overcome. He took a pen and a few small pieces of paper and started writing.

* * *

She missed John terribly, every minute without him was a minute wasted. She knew Stephen needed her, but she was breaking under the pressure that surrounded her. She needed to feel John's arms around her, his soft voice telling her everything would be all right, telling her he still loved her and would wait forever. They had sent a few text messages to each other and called a few times, but those things only last a few minutes.

She would start working again on Tuesday, two days after the funeral. She would be together with him all day then, but that was still five days away. Whenever she came to the restaurant she had to resist the urge to run into his arms and press her lips against his. She could see in his eyes that he was struggling with the way they were cruelly separated from each other and it broke her heart_. _Something needed to happen for them to have just a few moments together. She couldn't handle four more days without him.

It was around 11 o'clock when she walked into the restaurant, her heart nearly beating out of her chest with the thought of seeing John again. When she walked in she didn't see him immediately and her initial excitement was replaced by disappointment. She went straight through to the kitchen to be greeted by Daisy. She needed to resist the urge to ask where John was immediately – she didn't want to seem too obvious. She took her apron and started working opposite Daisy, helping with the preparations. They talked constantly, but she couldn't stop thinking about John. Normally he would have been here by now, greeting her and asking Daisy how everything was going. She couldn't hold her curiosity any longer, hoping he wasn't avoiding her.

"Where's John?"

"He's up in his office with Mr. Carson. He was a bit later this morning."

She nodded and she had to hide her smile – he wasn't trying to avoid her on purpose. She was lost in her thoughts for a while, trying to find a way to have a few moments alone with him, when she heard the door behind her opening. She heard his voice greeting everyone and she turned around to meet his gaze. He gave her one of his half smiles and she could see the crinkles around his eyes, making her own smile grow brighter. He stepped closer and stood next to her, asking his usual question to Daisy to see if everything was as it should be.

They stood side by side behind the working table and she realised no one could see their hands. She took her chance and gently reached out for his, slowly entwining their fingers. They were both still looking straight ahead, listening to Daisy, but for this one moment, she could only feel him. The warmth of his body so close to hers, their hands together as one and as he gently squeezed her hand, she looked up at him. His hazel eyes were piercing through hers.

"How are you, Anna?"

"I'm fine." _Better now your hand's in mine_, she thought.

He gave her a reassuring smile, but before too long he had to let go of her hand and leave the kitchen. She sighed happily and turned back to her work. They were preparing a light meal for the staff lunch. She cursed the fixed seats at the table, meaning they would sit opposite each other at the ends of the table, instead of next to each other. She needed to find a way to be with John tonight, she couldn't go without his embrace any longer. Thoughts and ideas spun around her head, trying to find an excuse to leave Stephen for a few hours tonight.

* * *

During lunch he caught her gaze a few times, hoping she would find the small note he put in her pocket. He had to wait until lunch was over to see her leaning back and putting her hands into her pockets. He leaned back easily, watching her as she frowned and took out the small note. She lifted her gaze to meet his and he gave her a soft smile.

She looked around quickly making sure no one saw the note and then she opened it. Tears of happiness sprung to her eyes as she slowly read the words written in the handwriting she knew so well.

_A kettle  
So I can make us a cup of tea after a long day._

She looked up to see the twinkle in his eyes, and she couldn't hold back the smile forming on her face either. This was exactly what she needed, their dream to hold on to. Their silent link was broken when William started clearing the table. She stood up and brushed past John, letting her fingers graze his. They shared a smile as they each went their separate ways.

She walked back into the kitchen, her smile never faltering as she put the small note safely back in her pocket. Her smile grew even brighter as she felt another note in her pocket. _How did he do that? _Noticing she wasn't alone, she walked out through the backdoor and sat down on the bench. She felt closer to him there, the memory of their embrace a few nights ago still fresh in her mind. She slowly unfolded the note, reading his next words.

_A rocking chair  
For you to sit in while you cradle our little girl_

A small tear streamed down her face whilst she reread his words – imagining what it would be like to see him holding their children, reading to them, trying to teach them everything he knew. She shook herself mentally awake, trying to compose herself before she went back inside. As soon as she was in the kitchen she started looking for some paper, nothing could withhold her from participating in his little game.

* * *

He was running over the menu with William and Thomas as Anna came out of the kitchen. She joined their little group and he could see by the loving look on her face that she had found his second note. He had more notes in his inside pocket waiting to be discovered, but there was no way he could slip one into hers right now. Not while William and Thomas were with them. She was standing really close to him without drawing too much attention and he knew she was doing it on purpose – knowing it would drive him mad. She was explaining something about the menu to William, but he couldn't hear what she was saying – too distracted by her scent spreading around him. She went back to the kitchen before he even realised, but she threw him one last look over her shoulder and it was more than he could handle. He excused himself to William and Thomas before he went out to get some fresh air.

Did she know what she was doing to him? It was so hard to be around her and not with her at the same time. He paced the parking in front of the restaurant, one hand in his pocket. He stopped short as he felt a small note in his left pocket. A smile graced his features as he looked around to see if he was alone. _That's why she was standing so close. _His heart started beating faster as he unfolded the small note.

_A small library  
Where you can read to our children while I'm curled up against your side_

The need to hold her in his arms became more pressing as he reread her words. He needed to find a way to be with her tonight; else he wouldn't be able to get through the rest of the week without her. He walked back into the restaurant, raking his brain to find a solution, but first he needed to get his third note to Anna. He walked through the hall and saw her coat and purse – an idea sprung to his mind. He took two notes out of his pocket, placed one in her purse and one in her coat. He smiled, satisfied, and headed to the kitchen. He opened the door and to his surprise he noticed Anna was alone.

"Where is everyone?"

She was startled by the sound of his voice, but smiled as she noticed the look on his face, "They're outside taking a short break."

"And you're not?" He stepped a bit closer.

"I don't have to be here all night, so I might as well work a bit harder while I'm here."

She stopped her work and looked over her shoulder to the backdoor, but it was still closed. When she turned back to him he was standing mere inches from her. His hand reached out for hers tentatively, aware that someone could walk in at any minute.

"I miss you." His voice was barely above a whisper as he entwined their fingers, symbolising their strong bond.

She needed to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers, his warmth surrounding her. She tightened her grip on his hand, looked around and pulled him into the giant walk-in freezer. She had closed the door behind them and wrapped her arms around his neck before he even had the time to register what was happening.

"I miss you too, John, so much."

He held her close to him, enjoying the feeling of her body pressed up against his, as his hands made soothing motions over her back.

She knew they didn't have a lot of time, but in this moment she couldn't care, not when his embrace was something she had longed for so long. She pulled back a little to look in his eyes, her thumb caressing his cheek as she slowly guided his lips to hers. She didn't feel the cold around her, too lost in John's embrace and loving kiss to realise she was standing in a freezer. She surrendered herself completely to him, letting go of all her worries and troubles as John's lips moved over hers. She put all the love she had into their kiss, trying to assure him that even through their circumstances he was still the only one for her.

When they finally broke their kiss he wrapped his arms around her tightly, not ready to let go of her just yet. He placed another soft kiss on her temple, before he pulled back a little to look in her eyes.

He tenderly caressed her cheek, "When can I talk to you?"

She rested her head on his chest, closing her eyes, sighing, "I don't know, John, I really don't." Tears were threatening to escape and she couldn't hold back a small sob.

He cupped her face in both his hands and made her look at him, wiping away a single tear from her cheek, "We will find a way." He smiled, "We did now, didn't we?"

She mirrored his smile, "It took us long enough." She closed her eyes as his thumb continued to caress her cheek, "I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to be in your arms again." She traced his lips with her finger, "Your lips on mine." She pulled him closer to steal one last kiss before reality stepped back in.

Just when she turned around to leave, she felt John putting something in her hand. She shot him a quizzical look, but he just smiled, "To get you through the day."

He brushed his lips against her temple one last time, softly whispering a few words of love and left the freezer, leaving Anna alone with the small note in her hand. If his words weren't already enough to convince her of his love, these notes made her realise even more just how perfect he was.

_An oven  
So you can make me your chocolate cake_

The smile on her face grew brighter as she read his words, _silly beggar. _She put the note away with the others and went back to the kitchen.

Daisy and Ivy had just arrived back in the kitchen as Anna left the freezer. She breathed a sigh of relief, realising they could have been caught. She could still feel the warmth of John's embrace around her as she started working again – his taste still on her lips.

The rest of the day passed, and both kept looking for excuses to come into each other's area – John trying to find a way to be in the kitchen more than usual, just to leave a note somewhere along her path. She had more than ten notes in her pocket now, each and every one listing a unique item that would only suit a certain situation between them. Some more daring than others.

John had five notes in his pocket when he started reading the sixth one. His mouth became dry and his heart started beating faster with every word as the mental images rushed through his mind. _Minx_, she knew this would be his undoing.

_A bed  
Where I can feel your body against mine, skin to skin_

He forced himself to get back to earth, trying to shake the mental images from him by folding the note and putting it in his pocket. He took a few deep breaths, composing himself to get on with the day.

* * *

It wasn't long before Anna walked out of the kitchen towards her coat and purse, ready to go home. Or rather a place she called home – nowhere was home as long as _he _wasn't with her. She put on her coat, said goodbye to everyone and with one last look at John she left.

When she arrived home Stephen was sitting on the sofa, watching television. She sighed; ever since the accident he hadn't done anything else. He looked up as she walked in and gave her a sad smile. "How was your day?"

"Fine, everyone sends you their love." She walked through to the kitchen to heat up the lasagne they made for the staff dinner. She could have been with John now, sharing secret smiles.

She was startled when Stephen wrapped his arms around her from behind. "Looks good." He placed a soft kiss on her cheek, before he let her go.

She held her eyes closed the entire time, trying not to tense up as he touched her.

"How's John doing as manager?"

Just hearing his name made her relax a bit, "He's doing great."

"That's good."

"How are you?"

"Coping."

She turned around and embraced him, "I know it's hard and you probably can't see it now, but you will get through this."

"I love you, Anna."

She couldn't repeat it, she just couldn't. She would betray herself, but most of all she would betray John and that was something she just couldn't do. She closed her eyes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek instead. He squeezed her hand softly, before he left the kitchen. She was glad he didn't seem to notice her restrained behaviour.

She was just about to pour herself a drink when her phone started ringing. She quickly looked for her purse, but when she took her phone out she noticed another small note. Too enraptured by his handwriting, she completely ignored her phone and took the note out instead.

_A bathtub  
For us to enjoy a lazy Sunday morning_

She felt all warm inside at the thought of them having a bath together, and maybe more. She closed her eyes as she tried to compose herself, reluctantly banishing those thoughts out. Without thinking things through properly she stepped into the living room.

"Stephen, would you mind if I went out for a drink with Mary tonight?"

He turned his head and gave her a smile, "Of course not, why would I?"

"I don't know, maybe you want to have…"

He interrupted her, "You deserve a night out, Anna. You've been so good to me."

"Only if you're sure."

"I'll be all right." He gave her a reassuring smile as he stretched out his hand towards her, "Come sit with me for a while."

She took his hand and sat down next to him, trying not to tremble as his arm came around her shoulder. He started placing soft kisses along her jaw line and all she wanted to do was run, as far as she could into _his_ arms. Her body tensed completely and all she could think about was John, how she was betraying him. Stephen pressed his lips to hers, his hand moving to her hip to push her down on the sofa as he tried to deepen their kiss. This was the first time since the accident he tried to be closer to her, but she turned her head, her eyes shut tight.

"What's wrong?"

For a moment she thought she could do it, tell him what was really going on, but then she looked in his eyes, the pain of his loss still evident and she couldn't do it. "I'm sorry. I just had a tiresome day at work." She knew it wasn't one of her best excuses, but it was the first she could come up with.

He wrapped his arms around her, "I'm sorry I wasn't thinking."

She fought back the tears in her eyes, "Come let's have something to eat."

* * *

The only thing that could take his mind off her was work, but it didn't help him tonight. The notes she had given him were spread around his desk, along with a few letters he had read again. He closed his eyes and leant back in his chair, trying to remember the feeling of her kiss in the freezer – another beautiful memory to add to the list.

She was just perfect. In his whole life he could have never dreamt that he would be as happy as he was in the moments he shared with her. It had taken long enough for them to have that one moment together, but now he had it, he couldn't let it go. The feeling of being in her arms again had gotten him through the day along with the notes she had given him. But he missed their conversations as well and he so desperately wanted to know how she was coping. He could see in her eyes that she was struggling. In a way he was glad he hadn't been confronted with Anna and Stephen together, it would hurt more to see them. The thought of them being together at this very moment was enough to break him, he could only imagine what it would be like to see them holding hands, sharing kisses. Even though he knew Anna didn't want any of it. She was so strong his Anna and he admired her even more for it.

"I thought I'd find you here."

His head jerked up to see a beautiful smile aimed at him, "Anna?" He jumped up immediately in surprise, "How come you're here?"

She walked towards him, her smile brightening with every step she took closer to him, "Aren't you glad to see me?"

He took his cane and circled around his desk towards her, "Glad is an understatement, my love."

Her hands flew around his neck immediately as he reached her, "I'm out for a drink with Mary."

He mirrored her smile, "So I'm Mary then?"

"Sort of." She pulled his lips to hers, only inches apart, "I just needed to see you."

"What's wrong?" Worry filled him, noticing the change in her tone as he saw the tears forming in her eyes.

She shook her head, "Please just kiss me, John."

He dropped his cane and cupped her cheek, caressing it with his thumb as he pressed his lips to hers. She became lost in him, trying to forget the memory of Stephen trying to kiss her as John's arms circled around her. Nothing ever felt as good as them together, this was how it should be forever. She needed more of him, more memories, and more moments to think about when she needed to go back to Stephen. She wanted to replace every touch from Stephen by John's. Tears streamed over her face as she thought back to her betrayal, she had kissed Stephen's lips.

John broke away as he felt her tears on his cheek, "Please, Anna, tell me what's wrong."

She cried against his chest, holding onto him desperately as she uttered a few words. He couldn't understand what she was saying through her tears and his heart broke as he watched her so distressed. He tried to soothe her and guided her to the sofa, where he cradled her until she calmed down. He dried her tears and looked in her eyes, but she averted his gaze.

"What happened, Anna?"

His voice was so soft as he spoke and she wanted to hold on to him forever, but she couldn't. "I betrayed you, John." She couldn't look him in his eyes, she couldn't see the hurt in his eyes.

He was more confused than ever, "What do you mean? How could you ever betray me?"

She sniffed, "I kissed him."

He knew this would happen, but it still hurt. What hurt the most wasn't the fact that she had kissed Stephen, but to see her so distressed through this whole situation. "Look at me, Anna."

She still avoided his gaze, not ready to face his pain.

He cupped her face with both his hands and turned her head towards his, "You haven't betrayed me."

"But I kissed him."

He shook his head, "Do you love him?"

"Of course not." She wiped away her tears, "I love you."

"And I love you." He pressed his lips to her, proving his words. "I know our situation isn't ideal, I know you're struggling, and it pains me to see you this way."

She sighed, "I'm so sorry, John."

He closed his eyes, "Please don't apologise." He pressed a soft kiss to her temple, "We both agreed that this would be the best option."

She nodded in acknowledgment, but remained silent.

"I hate to see you so distressed – that hurts even more then knowing you are with Stephen in times when I can only think of you. You don't have to go through this alone, I want to help you. But you'll have to tell me how." He placed another soft kiss on her lips, "Please tell me how."

She looked in his eyes, seeing all the sincerity he had and in that moment she fell in love with him all over again. This was what she wanted and needed, him to take away every touch from Stephen to be replaced by something so much more. She took his hand and placed it on her hip, while she entwined the fingers on their other hands. She offered him her mouth and he gladly gave himself to her. As if he knew what she wanted he placed a few kisses along her jaw line, taking away the memory of Stephen's lips on that same spot. She closed her eyes to let him invade her senses completely, his arms surrounding her as his lips found hers again. She held him close, afraid that he might disappear if she didn't. Her arms around him tightened their grip as she pulled him down on top of her.

As much as he wanted to, he couldn't let it go any further, it didn't feel right in their situation. But all coherent thought left him as her hands found their way under his shirt. He hissed as she placed them flat on his bare chest and he couldn't resist kissing her again, with more fervour then before. Her legs were wrapped around his middle and he couldn't suppress a groan as she pressed him down to her. He was so close to losing himself in her, but somehow a voice inside him told him to stop. He cupped her cheek and slowed their kiss down, until he could break away to rest his forehead on hers. She removed her hands from under his shirt and loosened her grip around his middle, gently stroking through his hair.

"What's wrong?"

He closed his eyes, "I can't do this."

"What do you mean?"

His voice was barely above a whisper, afraid the words alone would make him regret his decision, "Make love to you."

Her hands stopped moving through his hair, "You mean you don't want to?" Her voice was so soft, afraid of what his answer would be.

He looked at her in shock, "No, please don't think that." He entwined their fingers and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles, "I love you, Anna, and the thought of you wanting to give yourself to me is the greatest gift I could ever have."

She smiled and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"We have something special." He took her hand and placed it over his heart, "You own me and there's nothing you can do. I'm yours for life." They shared a smile, "I don't want to waste the most beautiful act between lovers on this sofa." He gently caressed her cheek, "When I make love to you, I want to hold you in my arms throughout the night. I would fight my sleep so I can spend my time watching you, knowing that what we shared was an act of pure love." He slowly turned her on her side and moved behind her, his arm resting securely around her waist, his mouth close to her ear as he continued. "I want you to wake up in my arms with a smile on your face, knowing that that smile is the result of you and me together." He turned her head towards his and placed a soft kiss on her lips while he entwined their fingers, "I want to laugh while I watch you wake up, scolding me for the ungodly hour." He smiled as the sound of her giggles reached his ears, "Every part of me longs for you, but if I make love to you here, there would come a time where I would have to let you go to be with another man. It's already hard enough now." She turned around to face him, her hand resting on his cheek. "I can't let you go once we share this."

He remained silent for a while after his confession, waiting for her to speak, but she just looked at him. A love in her eyes shining through, so strong and consistent. She placed a soft kiss on his lips, "I love you, John."

He tightened his grip on her hip and pulled her closer to him, "How can I help you get through this, Anna?"

She smiled, "Just this. I need you more than just once every three days. I need your small notes to brighten my day, I need to feel your hand in mine once in a while – I need more than just one freezer-incident."

He chuckled, "I never knew a freezer could be that exciting."

She kissed him again, "I need your kisses and your embrace, I need to hear your voice telling me it will be all right, I need your gaze fixed on mine whenever it is possible."

He gently stroked her hair behind her ear, "I can do that." He gave her a sweet kiss, "All of that."

"Good."

They shared a smile, gazing at each other as they let it all sink in.

"I read your letter this morning."

He smiled, "I read yours too."

She lifted her eyebrow, "Really? Which one?"

"Shall I recite it to you?"

She nodded, smiling in anticipation.

"It's my favourite one." He pulled her closer to him, their eyes fixed on each other's, "It was the first time you started your letter with '_My dearest John'._"

A look of realisation dawned on her and she could feel a few tears prickling at the corner of her eyes.

He caressed her cheek and gave her a soft kiss before he began, _"My dearest John." _They shared a smile, and he too could feel his emotions getting out of control. She pressed her lips softly against his, urging him on to continue. _"Every day I worry sick because you're out there in danger, and my heart aches imagining every possible outcome from this war. It's a cruel thing to be separated through something beyond us when I just started to get to know you. I can't sleep at night through worry, days pass me by and I don't even notice until there's a letter from you."_

He entwined their fingers and kissed away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks through his recital, "I can stop if you want me to."

"No please don't." She smiled at him, "I can only remember how I felt writing them, not what I wrote."

He placed a soft kiss on her lips before he continued, gently caressing her cheek with his free hand, _"Every letter is a sign of life and I can't begin to tell you how it makes me feel. You confused me the night we said goodbye. How I wish I could go back and truly kiss you. Memorise every line in your face, how your hands felt while you held me, the taste of your lips, the crinkles around the corner of your eyes."_

His voice broke as he moved closer to her and tangled his legs with hers, "Here comes my favourite part."

She wanted the tears to stop streaming, but she couldn't hold them back. This was the first time they shared their letters together, and in her eyes it was the most perfect moment. She kissed him again, not able to resist him as he spoke those words so tenderly.

_"I fell in love with a man I got to know through his words. Some people would find that ridiculous, but what we share, John is beautiful and you can't deny that. If I'm the only one who feels this way, please tell me. I will stop writing if you want me to. You will never hear from me again and I won't seek you out once you're back. I only hope that you can be happy John, I know I will, in the knowledge that you're safe. I'm yours, Anna."_

"I can still remember the first time I read that letter." He wiped away her tears, "My heart was nearly beating out of my chest and I was grinning like a lovesick fool." They shared a smile, "You know when the first feelings of love came over me?"

She shook her head, but couldn't speak through the lump in her throat.

"The night you made me promise to write to you." He pressed his lips to hers in a loving kiss, "Your letters helped me more than you know."

She furrowed her brow and smiled, "What do you mean?"

He closed his eyes, sighing, "Nothing."

She sat back up and looked down on him, "No tell me."

He lifted himself up, cursing himself for spoiling this perfect moment. She didn't know he had been an alcoholic, but how could he tell her? Would she understand what it was like to live with the memories and pain of war and the loss of a mum at the same time?

She watched him struggling with himself and she could see old pains arising in his eyes. His hands were clenched to fists and he closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly. She didn't want their evening to end like this, not after such an emotional moment. She reached out for his hand, and his eyes flew open. He looked down at their hands, "I'm sorry, Anna."

"No, John, I shouldn't have asked you."

"You have every right to ask." He entwined their fingers and gave her a sad smile, "I don't want to scare you."

She squeezed his hand softly, "You could never scare me."

He gave her a soft kiss, "Just…" He hesitated a moment, avoiding her gaze whilst trying to find the right words. He couldn't tell her yet, "… not now." He looked up in her eyes, "I will tell you."

"I know." She cupped his cheeks repeating her words softly.

"I do love you, Miss Smith."

She giggled, "And I love you, Mr. Bates."

They shared a sweet kiss and embraced each other. Her eyes reluctantly wandered to the clock on the wall and she realised it was already late. She let go of him and stood up, "I'm afraid I have to go."

"I know." He held her hands in his and placed a soft kiss on each one.

"I can take you home if you want."

"No it's all right, I will walk. I don't think I can face you driving away from me." He gave her a faint smile.

She pulled him up and wrapped her arms around him, "I'll see you in the freezer tomorrow."

He chuckled, "That you will, Miss Smith." He let go of her and reached for something in his pocket, "To get you through the night." He handed her a small piece of paper, "Open it in your car."

She smiled and pressed her lips to his one last time. He walked her to the door of his office and without another word she slipped out.

She walked as fast as she could to her car. Once inside she unfolded the small note, smiling with tears of happiness in her eyes as she read his words.

_A small box  
To keep our letters safe together_


	7. Chapter 7

**I realise we all need something after last Sunday. I can't believe that really happened, it's horrible. I know a lot of people hate Julian right now, but they will get through this, they just have to, it's Anna and Bates. They've been through enough.**

**I hope this new chapter can distract you all a bit.**

**Thank you very much for all the reviews. As always a special mention for pussycatwithattitude, she's the best. :)**

**Disclaimer: That wouldn't have happened if I owned DA.**

* * *

She felt a gentle kiss on her shoulder as she woke and she froze. This wasn't her dream anymore, this was reality. The arm draped around her waist tightened its grip and she felt tears coming up, this wasn't _him_.

His mouth was close to her ear and she tried to pretend it was John, how his arm had settled around her waist only the night before followed by a tender kiss behind her ear. But this wasn't _him._

She pretended to be asleep, but it was of no use. He pressed his front tightly against her back, "I know you're awake."

She hummed, not able to form any words through her emotions.

He chuckled, assuming she was having trouble waking up and pressed another soft kiss on her cheek, "I think I'm coming to the staff dinner tonight."

Her eyes flew open and she turned around, "You're serious?"

"Yes, why?"

She realised her reply might have not been what he had expected, "I mean are you ready for that? The funeral is only in two days."

"I'll have to move on some day, I might as well start now."

"Only if you're sure." Suddenly she had an idea, "Maybe I can work a whole shift today? If that's all right for you."

"I think it's best for us to start getting back to normal, so if you're up for it, I don't see why not."

She smiled a genuine smile, "Good, then I'll get a quick shower and head to the restaurant a bit earlier."

She jumped out of the bed, but he quickly took her hand, stopping her in the process. She reluctantly turned her head to him, "What?"

He smiled, "I thought we could have some quality time first."

Her mind worked fast, trying to find a good excuse, "I'm afraid I can't, I have a meeting with John." It wasn't a complete lie.

He frowned, "What about?"

"He didn't say. He called me last night when I was out with Mary, so we didn't talk that long."

He sighed, "All right then."

He let go of her hand, but she felt she needed to give him something. She bent down and gave him a quick kiss on his lips, "Another time."

After that she walked to the bathroom as quickly as possible, trying to wash away his touch.

* * *

He had just dealt with the Molesleys and was chatting with Daisy when she came in the kitchen. She took his breath away, her hair cascading down her shoulders, a smile on her face that seemed brighter than ever before and a beautiful light blue dress, exposing her wonderful legs. He wasn't the only one looking, beside him the younger Molesley was staring at her as well.

She looked just perfect as she approached them, "Good morning."

It took him a while before he found the ability to speak again, "Anna, you're early."

"Yes, I want to talk to you about the further arrangements for the next two days until the funeral."

She gave him a playful smile and his heart skipped a beat, "We'd better go to my office then."

She mirrored his smile and followed him through the restaurant to his office. He opened the door for her, allowing her to walk past him, only to admire her beautiful figure a while longer.

She walked to his desk and turned around when she heard the door close. She smiled at the sight of him leaning against the door, his eyes wandering all over her.

"You look breath-taking, Anna." He took a few steps towards her as did she, "Absolutely stunning."

She reached him and wrapped her arms around his neck, giggling at the sound of his cane clattering to the floor as his arms came around her.

"It's all for you," she whispered, "only you."

The smile that followed her confession took her breath away, the crinkles around his eyes making her knees buckle.

He cupped her cheek tenderly as his other arm remained securely around her waist, pulling her closer to him, "I'm honoured."

He pressed his lips against hers, gentle at first, but passion slowly overtook them as the kiss became deeper and they explored each other's mouth all over again.

They broke apart as the need for air arose, but remained close, their gazes fixed on each other's.

"How are you?"

"Better now I'm here with you." She gave him another soft kiss.

"I missed you," he shyly admitted.

"We've only been apart a few hours."

They shared a smile, realising they had had this conversation before, but the other way around.

"How come you're here so early?"

She looked down, "Stephen's coming to the staff dinner and he said I could work a whole shift if I wanted to."

"So you're here all day?"

She looked back up at him with a smile, "I am."

"I'll need more notes then."

She gave him a playful slap, "You silly beggar."

The look of pure adoration in his eyes was enough to draw her in and she couldn't resist the urge to kiss him again.

She enjoyed every second of being in his arms, "I've been thinking."

He looked at her questioningly imploring her with his eyes to share her thoughts.

"Maybe tonight, after the shift when everybody's gone home I could cook us something. We could both stay behind and have a few hours to ourselves. What do you think?"

"I would like that very much." He caressed her cheek, "But what about Stephen?"

"I'm always home late when I work, he won't notice."

He smiled, "So we're going on a date then?"

"I guess we are."

"Good." He leaned in again and brushed his lips tenderly against hers.

"Shall I tell Daisy you're back as chef?"

"That won't be necessary, she can be chef for the rest of the week. She'll have to stand on her own one day."

He raised his eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"Well, if we're going to our hotel, who will run the restaurant?"

He smiled, "You're serious?"

"Of course I am."

He dropped his hands to take hers in his, "Because... If we really do this, I'll be going home, but you'd be leaving yours. I would understand if you want to change our plans, I mean..."

"John, I've got nothing to bind me here, except you." She squeezed his hands, "Home is whenever I'm with you."

He cupped her cheek tenderly, "God, you're so perfect."

She crushed her lips to his, a passion flowing through her she couldn't control. One moment in his arms was all she needed, but his words gave her all kinds of feelings she couldn't describe. His soft voice telling her in more than one way how much he loved her, compliments rolling off his tongue to be given at the exact moment and the smile that followed his confessions was enough for her to break completely and surrender herself to the overwhelming feeling of love she felt whenever their eyes met. If anything, he was perfect.

With secret smiles still playing on their lips they went back to the kitchen, informing Daisy about the turn of events. She was glad to have Anna with her again, but she was ecstatic to be her chef for once. John left them then, but not before pressing a small note in Anna's hand.

"I changed today's subject," he whispered softly only for her to hear, before he limped out of the kitchen.

She was glad Daisy was working with her back turned to her, so she could read the note undisturbed whilst trying to keep up conversation.

_O my Luve's like a red, red rose,  
That's newly sprung in June  
O my Luve's like the melodie,  
That's sweetly play'd in tune._

She knew he loved poetry, but this was the first time he shared his passion with her. Every word was just perfect and more proof of his love for her. She never felt more loved then when she was in his presence, or when his words – so tenderly spoken or lovingly written – were surrounding her in the most beautiful way, affecting her more than anything ever could.

She had a busy day in front of her and there was no way she could sneak out to get something to him, but she had tonight, no matter what.

William had come in a few minutes ago and John started to introduce him to the managerial tasks, trying to teach him what he knew. Anna had told him that she wanted Daisy to take over the restaurant and it seemed logical to have William take over his tasks. He felt a bit guilty if he were honest. Robert had given him this job and a house to rent without any questions, only to help him. But now he was about to leave and Anna would come with him. He needed to talk this through with Robert, he couldn't leave without warning.

He had thought a lot about the conversation with Anna the other night as well, she would have to know the whole truth someday. He couldn't hide his past from her – she already knew most of it, but he was deeply ashamed of the part he hadn't told her. He needed to tell her tonight, it wouldn't be right to keep her in the dark. After all, she told him he couldn't scare her. She was Anna, she would understand and she would listen without judgement.

The day went by fairly quickly and he knew Stephen could come in any minute now. He walked to the kitchen with the excuse of seeing how the staff dinner was coming along, but he only wanted to see her and get his next note somewhere along her path.

She was standing near the sink when he came in, with her back to him while Daisy and Ivy were just walking out the backdoor. He took his chance and walked over to the sink. Before she could even turn around he took her hand and pulled her to the freezer. She giggled when she looked around to see if anyone could see them, but he was already one step ahead of her. He opened the door and took her in his arms, leaning back to close the door without looking.

He cupped her cheeks with both his hands, "I realise we don't have a lot of time, Stephen can be here any minute and for all I know Daisy and Ivy are coming back in the kitchen trying to figure out why we're in a freezer, but I needed to see you for a few minutes."

"I'm glad you pulled me in here," she wrapped her arms around his middle and lifted her chin to him, "Just kiss me."

He smiled and pressed his lips against hers, how could he ever resist her? They shared a few loving kisses without words, but soon they had to let each other go. He placed another note in her hand and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles, "I love you."

He turned around and walked out of the freezer, but he stopped short when he saw Thomas standing in the kitchen.

"Mr Bates, what were you doing in there?"

Anna heard his voice and closed her eyes, she could easily imagine Thomas' sneer as he regarded John. She needed to help him.

She braced herself, trying to act normal as she stepped out of the freezer. She pretended she hadn't seen or heard Thomas and looked at John, "You see, John, there's something wrong with the freezer. You need to call someone to check it."

He smiled gratefully at her, "I'm on it."

"Thank you." She turned to walk back to the sink and pretended to see Thomas for the first time, "Oh Thomas, how can I help you?"

The grin on his face had faded only a little and she realised they weren't really convincing, "I came to tell you Stephen had arrived when I saw you two coming out of the freezer."

She ignored his last remark, "I'll be there in five minutes, thank you, Thomas."

He walked out of the kitchen and with one last look at Anna, John walked out as well to greet Stephen.

He held out his hand, "Stephen, how are you?"

"I'm all right, thank you. Where's Anna?"

John caught Thomas' gaze over Stephen's shoulder as he answered, "She'll be here soon – she's just finishing our dinner."

"Good, where can I sit?"

"You can sit in your old place if you want."

Stephen smiled, he had hoped John would say that. After all he had been there longer than John, so it was only right for him to sit at the head of the table. "Thank you."

Everyone sat down and John's heart jumped as he realised the only free spot for him to sit was next to Anna. He ignored Thomas' stare as he sat down.

Anna came out of the kitchen - followed by Daisy with their dinner - and she smiled when she saw John sitting next to her place, before she turned her gaze to Stephen. He mistook it as a smile meant for him when he stood up to greet her.

She placed a chaste kiss on his cheek, realising everyone – but most importantly, John – could see them. "How are you?"

"I'm good, glad to be here, you?"

"The same."

She smiled, before she went to her place, looking around the table as Daisy handed out the plates. John was talking to William next to him. This was the first time he sat this close to her at the table and she couldn't resist pressing her knee against his under the table. She saw a smile forming on his face while he was talking and in return he pressed his knee against hers as well. She looked down to hide her smile. All of a sudden she realised she hadn't read his second note yet. After looking around briefly she took it out and started reading.

_As fair art thou, my bonie lass,  
So deep in luve am I;  
And I will luve thee still, my dear,  
Till a' the seas gang dry. _

She dropped her hand under the table and gently placed it on his thigh. He started at first, but his hand found hers quickly, giving it a soft squeeze.

His conversation with William died down as Daisy focussed her attention back on the young lad. John took his chance and turned his head to Anna.

He lowered his voice a bit, "Thank you back there."

"I don't think he believed me, but it doesn't matter." She gave his hand one last squeeze before she let go, realising they'd better not draw attention to themselves.

She leaned a bit closer, as close as she would dare and lowered her voice as well, "Thank you."

He raised his eyebrow in confusion, "What for?"

"Every single note."

He smiled and took another one out of his pocket, "I promised I would." He handed it to her under the table, "For after dinner."

She smiled and put it away safely in her pocket.

At the other end of the table Thomas was sitting next to Stephen. He noticed the secret smiles between the two and he turned to Stephen, intent on telling him his discoveries.

"I would watch those two if I were you."

"Who?"

Thomas turned his head indicating Anna and John who seemed to be just talking, "Them."

"What do you mean?" Stephen was confused as he turned his gaze to the two opposite him.

"Nothing, I'm just saying. They do seem to get along very well."

He shrugged, "Anna knew him before he came here."

He raised his eyebrow suggestively, "The question is how well did she know him?"

Stephen remained silent, he honestly didn't know. He watched them throughout dinner, seeing them smile at each other, sharing little jokes, Anna smiling brighter than he had ever seen. There couldn't be anything, could there?

After dinner he walked towards them. They were still talking, Anna smiling up at John and his blood was boiling. He would show them.

He took Anna's hand in his and placed a kiss on her cheek, interrupting their conversation, "That was amazing, dear."

Anna started at his sudden actions and she hesitated, "Thank you."

"God you're beautiful." He turned to John, "Isn't she, John?"

John didn't know where this was going but he could see Anna getting uncomfortable, he hesitated as well, "I guess so."

Stephen raised his eyebrow, "You guess so?" He turned to Anna, "Apparently John can't appreciate beauty when it's right in front of him." He moved his gaze to John's, "Who would believe she's my fiancée?"

John saw Stephen's arm moving around Anna's middle and he couldn't handle it. This hurt more then he thought it would, but then he lifted his gaze to Anna's and he could see his pain reflected in her eyes, she didn't want this.

He tried to smile at Stephen, "Lucky you."

"Aren't I?" He looked back at Anna and she smiled at him. _She's smiling, nothing's wrong._ He pressed his lips against hers and he could feel she was going along with him. _There's nothing between them, else she wouldn't be kissing me in front of him._

John averted his gaze, he couldn't see this. It was as if someone ripped out his heart, threw it on the floor and stamped on it – thinking about it, that wouldn't even hurt as much as having to watch the scene in front of him. He looked away and saw Thomas staring at him with a grin on his face, if he could he would beat that grin right off his face. But he could only smile back and raise his eyebrows.

Stephen pulled back and watched Anna's face for any emotions, but he couldn't figure them out. He gave her another soft kiss, "I'll see you tonight."

"I'll be home late, you don't have to wait up for me."

He nodded and turned back to John as he stretched out his hand, "I'll see you later, John."

John reluctantly shook his hand, "That you will." He tried to smile, but he knew he wasn't very convincing.

He turned and walked away to his office. Closing the door behind him he tried to breathe in and out slowly. He sank down on the sofa and closed his eyes, but when he did the image of Anna and Stephen came back before him.

He became angry, angry at himself for letting it come this far. If he hadn't come back here Anna would have been spared this suffering. It was his entire fault and he felt powerless. Anna would scold him if she could hear his thoughts, but he couldn't stop his mind from going that way. Tears started to form in his eyes and there was nothing he could do to stop them.

He heard a knock on the door and he jumped up immediately, wincing as his sudden movements made his knee play up again.

The door opened to reveal Anna, "Daisy asked me to run over the final details with you," she explained tentatively. She could see the red circles around his eyes and it broke her heart.

He only nodded, not able to form any words as the pain had formed a lump in his throat. He gestured for her to sit down, which she did.

They didn't talk about what had happened, choosing to focus on their work instead, but she could see that this was too much for him. She wanted nothing more than to hold him and kiss his pain away, but she didn't want to force him.

He walked her to the door after their short meeting, but he realised he needed to say something, she didn't want this either. He couldn't let her go without his reassurance, he had made her a promise yesterday and this was one he should keep.

She opened the door, but he placed his hand on the door handle, closing it in the process. She could feel his breath in her neck, but she didn't turn around, choosing to wait for his next move.

He slowly leant his cane against the door, edging closer to her as his arms came around her from behind.

She felt relieved and leant back against him, closing her eyes as he pressed a soft kiss behind her ear.

His voice was barely above a whisper as his words reached her ears, "No one's ever going to love you more than I do."

She closed her eyes, his beautiful words ringing in her ears. Looking down she entwined their fingers, before she turned her head and pressed her lips against his, erasing the memory of that one moment for both of them.

She turned around in his arms and embraced him tightly, "I'm so sorry, John."

"It's not your fault, Anna." _It's mine._ "You should never blame yourself."

She looked up into his eyes, "Nor should you."

He smiled – it was as if she could read his mind, "I'll see you tonight."

She pressed her lips against his one last time before she slipped out of the door. As she was walking back down she remembered she had John's third note in her pocket and she stopped on the stairs to read it.

_Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,  
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;  
And I will luve thee still, my dear,  
While the sands o' life shall run._

His words from earlier were still fresh in her mind and now this note... She sighed happily, her heart burst with love for that man and she had put him through that horrible moment. She vowed to herself that she would make it up to him that night.

The shift passed by quickly, nothing they couldn't handle. He ignored Thomas throughout the whole evening, choosing to sort things out together with William if there was anything wrong. Daisy did a wonderful job as chef even though she found it a bit weird to boss her own chef around.

Before they even knew it everyone had gone home, leaving Anna to clean up the last bits in the kitchen and John to go over the figures up in his office.

But his mind kept going to the woman waiting for him downstairs. He couldn't handle it anymore and went down to the kitchen.

He opened the door slowly and gasped as he took in the scene in front of him. All the lights were out and in the middle of the kitchen she had placed a table for two with small candles all around, illuminating their table.

"Do you like it?"

He turned his head to see her standing a few steps beside him.

She saw his smile and she knew his answer without him having to say anything, "I wanted our first real date to be a bit special."

He took a few steps towards her and bent his head to give her a sweet kiss, "I love it."

She smiled up at him and took his hand in hers, pulling him along with her to their table. "I'm sorry I didn't cook, but we had so many leftovers from the menu and I didn't want to waste all of them."

He pulled her back to him and gave her another tender kiss, "It's just perfect." She was even more beautiful as the candlelight flickered over her pale skin, and he couldn't keep his eyes of her.

They sat opposite each other, their knees touching under the table like a few hours ago while they enjoyed their night-time dinner. He reached for her hand over the table, entwining their fingers as a beautiful smile graced her features.

"I absolutely adore you, Miss Smith."

She blushed at his compliment, and avoided his intent gaze for a moment.

Every moment with him was a collection of perfect little words, shy glances, soft touches and tender caresses. The more time she spent with him the more she wanted to break away and free herself of the pressure around her, running away with the man she had loved since the moment she met him.

She squeezed his hand softly with tears in her eyes, "You know, I can't wait to begin our life together. Just you and me..." She hesitated before adding, "At least for a while."

He smiled, "A little girl with the stubbornness of her mother."

"And a boy, the spitting image of his father with a passion for books," she added playfully.

They shared a smile, both imagining what their life could be like once it was shared.

He let go of her hand for a while, "I need to tell you something."

She clasped her hands under her chin and smiled a bit nervously, "I hope nothing too serious."

"No, I don't think so." He hesitated a while, trying to find the right words, "I think we should tell Robert."

She remained silent so he continued, "He gave me this opportunity and a house to rent without any questions. He never asked me what happened while I was away, but he let me know he would be there if I ever needed to tell him more. I can't just leave without him knowing the whole truth."

"I understand, John, and you're right."

He felt relieved, "You're serious?"

She nodded, "I know you and Robert share something that no one can understand. It's only normal that you want to tell him."

"We don't have to tell him everything, only why we're leaving, how we feel."

"Whatever you want, John, I'm with you." She reached for his hand and he gladly accepted her offer, "We can tell him together."

He smiled, "Thank you, this really means a lot to me."

As he mentioned their future, she thought back to the little hotel he had described so beautifully a few days ago over the phone, "Have you called Helen yet?"

"Yes I have. We can go whenever we're ready, she'll be expecting us. She only asked not to wait a year because they want to retire," his own smile grew brighter as he saw her beautiful face beaming at him. "She can't wait to meet you."

"You're making me nervous now."

"No need to be, she's a wonderful woman. You'll like her, she's a lot like my…" He swallowed his last words and looked away, trying to fight the tears that were threatening to escape.

She knew what he was about to say and she realised he needed her comfort, just a small sign to tell him she was there for him.

He looked up as she squeezed his hand. This was his moment, she deserved to know.

"My mother died about six months after I got back."

She regarded him intently, would this be the moment he would share everything? She could see him struggling and tears were forming in the corner of his eyes. He was so vulnerable. She stood up and moved her chair next to his, taking both his hands in hers. It made her think back to that moment a few nights ago where he told her about his experiences. She realised he needed her support more then ever if he were to share more.

She placed a soft kiss on his temple as she cupped his cheek, "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to."

"You deserve to know Anna, if you are to share your life with me." A single tear fell down his cheek, but he didn't care. This was Anna, the woman he loved. He could be vulnerable in her presence.

"I'm here, John." She pressed her lips softly against his and squeezed his hands once more, "I won't leave you."

He entwined their fingers, relishing in her presence, "I changed, Anna, I'm not the man I was before I left."

"I love you just the way you are, John."

A small smile formed on his lips, it would never fail to amaze him how such a beautiful woman could have fallen for someone like him. He could tell her this, "When I was in the hospital I was under a lot of morphine – most of the days I was unconscious. I know my mother came to visit me and I remember Robert coming in a few times, but that's about it. The morphine eased my pain and it helped me to forget as well. When I got back home the morphine was gone, I had a few painkillers but nothing strong enough."

He looked up in her eyes, "I lived with my mother then, and she tried to help but there was nothing she could do. I could live with the pain, but the memories were the hardest. Every time I closed my eyes I saw that kid in front of me with a bullet between his eyes. I needed something to take those memories and the guilt away, something to stop my mind from going to that place again. The painkillers weren't enough and I started drinking, excessively. Most of the days I was walking in a daze, trying to get through every day with a few bottles."

He averted his gaze, shame washing over him and he didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes. "My mother had tried to stop me from drinking, but I was a cruel man. I knew the right things to say to get her off my back. That fateful day we had an awful argument. She had been to my room and found your letters; including the ones I started writing to you."

Her eyes were wide, he had written to her? She squeezed his hands unconsciously and he turned his head back to her, realising what he had said as he saw the look on her face. _She should know_.

"I wrote several letters to you, all waiting to be sent."

She couldn't help it, "Why didn't you?"

"Why? I was a mess, Anna, an alcoholic. My knee had been shot to pieces, I was drinking more than was good for me and the thought of you having to see me like that was enough to stop me from sending anything to you."

He dropped his head into his hands, "I stopped reading your letters when I got back, I wasn't worth it. But I never stopped writing. It seemed easier to share my thoughts when I wrote them down to you. My mum had found all my letters and she confronted me with them, asking me to stop drinking and seek help. '_If not for me then do it for that girl, Johnny.'_ I was so cruel to her that morning before she left."

She saw tears falling through his hands and she shoved a bit closer to him, taking his hands in hers as she gently kissed away each tear.

"Helen came by a few hours later to tell me there had been accident. I never even had the chance to tell her I was sorry." His voice was so soft, "Apparently my mother had gone to her for the past few months to share her burden. Helen was worried about me after my mum's death and offered to help, but I refused every helping hand. I was too far gone and the loss of my mum had been another reason to feel guilty. I started drinking even more, getting lost in my own world. The worst thing is that I can't even remember what the funeral was like."

She felt tears of her own streaming down her face as he broke down in her arms.

He looked back up at her when he was a bit calmed down, "One night, long after the funeral I started reading your letters again, from the first one to the last. Every single one reminding me of what could have been, and that was the first time I really wanted to change."

The love she felt for him in that moment couldn't be described in words, _he had changed for her_.

"It was in the middle of the night when I walked to Helen's. She let me in and gave me a room, making me promise to stop drinking. That night Helen, Archie and I poured out all their alcohol, making sure there wasn't one drop left in their house. The first week nearly broke me, I couldn't leave my room. The nights were the worst, the nightmares were back and I often forced myself not to sleep. They still occur, even after all these years. I'm afraid they will never stop."

He shook his head, "After a while I got better and started doing light work in the hotel during the day. I kept your letters with me all the time, they were my lifeline when it got hard. One word from you was enough for me to get back on track."

She needed to know, after all this time, "Why didn't you write to me, then?"

He closed his eyes, resting his head back in his hands, "Because you deserved so much better. I was a recovering alcoholic, trying to find his way back in life. But you..." He lifted his gaze back to hers, "I wanted you to find happiness and I thought it was better if I let you go. I didn't want you tied down to a cripple, because that's what I was… What I am."

"Don't you ever call yourself a cripple, John. You are so much more than that."

He shook his head, "I loved you so much, Anna, but I just couldn't see our future without me ruining things and hurting you in the process. I wanted so much more for you, so I had to push you away."

After all this time she finally understood the true reason, _I didn't push you away because I didn't want you, I pushed you away because I loved you_. She cupped his cheeks with both hands and pressed her lips tenderly against his.

She pulled back to look in his eyes with tears in her own, "I love you so much, John, even more if that's possible. You've been through so much and I never knew. The fact that you shared this with me now – all your experiences, what you've been through, it doesn't scare me, or make me think less of you, I can only admire you more for it. You are so strong, John."

She placed another kiss at the corner of his mouth, "The word love isn't strong enough to describe how I truly feel about you. My life wouldn't be worth living without you by my side, you are everything to me."

He crushed his lips against hers, not wanting to be without her touch a second longer. No one had ever spoken such beautiful words to him. She loved him, more than words could ever say and to have that love thrilled him more than anything ever did.

She broke away and rested her forehead on his, "When the news came of your injury I was afraid I would never see you again. Every day I waited for a letter to tell me how you were and ask me to visit, but it never came. I would have done anything to get me to you."

She remained silent for a while and he wanted to apologise, but he knew she wouldn't want him to. Instead he just brushed away her tears and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles.

Encouraged by his actions she continued, "The night you walked back in my life I knew I couldn't let you leave me again. When I first laid eyes on you after all those years I was ready to give up my whole life and run away with you. All I needed was one word from you."

She looked up in his eyes, making sure he could see how sincere she was, "Those feelings never changed, John. Not when you told me about your experiences in the war and not now, if anything it made me realise even more that we are meant for each other."

They shared a smile, both with teary eyes gazing at each other.

Her hand moved to caress his cheek, while her other remained securely in his. He mirrored her actions, wiping away another tear that had fallen down her cheek.

She sniffed, "I can't go back to him tonight, John." She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on his, "He'll put his arm around me again while he sleeps, and I just can't keep pretending it's you, when I don't know how it feels…"

He shushed her lovingly and placed a soft kiss on her temple. He needed to give her something, "How long would it take before you're missed?"

She looked at him questioningly, "I don't know." She checked John's watch, "He'll be asleep by now, so I guess an hour or two, maybe three. Why?"

He smiled and stood up, taking her hand in his to pull her up. She followed him through the restaurant as they went up the stairs to his office.

"What are you up to?"

Her heart skipped a beat as he turned around and gave her one of his half-smiles. He squeezed her hand softly and placed a soft kiss on her knuckles.

"I'm going to give you a memory to hold onto."

He pulled her down on the sofa as he laid himself down, her back to him and his arm securely around her waist, just like the night before. He placed a soft kiss behind her ear, "I don't want to leave you tonight, but we both know that time will come. I don't know how long it will take until we can finally be together, but for this one moment I'm going to hold you in my arms and pretend we are together in our own home."

She sighed happily, this was exactly what she needed. He managed to erase every touch Stephen had given her today, replacing it with all the love he had.

"You can sleep if you want to and I'll make sure I'll wake you up in time." He entwined their fingers, "Just try to forget everything for a while, it's just you and me now."

She turned her head and pressed her lips against his, her hand moving through his hair as she pulled him closer to deepen their kiss. She felt his hand moving over her body and she nearly lost control, his touch setting her on fire.

He brushed his lips against hers one last time, "I guess you don't want to sleep." Her giggles reached his ears and he couldn't resist pressing his lips against hers again.

She turned in his arms and caressed his cheek, "Your mother would have been so proud of you, John."

He looked away, but she turned his head to have his gaze fixed on hers, "You are just perfect, John. Every little thing makes me love you even more. You manage to surprise me every day in more ways than I ever held possible. Just this, lying in your arms…" She gave him a sweet kiss, "You truly know me and that doesn't scare me because it's you. If anything, it excites me. The fact that the man I love shares my feelings is more than I could have ever hoped for. I am the lucky one here."

He cupped her cheeks with both his hands and gave her a soft kiss, "I thank my lucky stars every day that I found you."

She smiled, "I love you so much, Mr. Bates."

"And I love you, Miss Smith."

They stared at each other a while longer, but she could feel her eyes getting tired.

He caressed her cheek tenderly, "Sleep a bit, I will wake you up in about an hour."

"I don't want to waste our time together."

"I have you in my arms, that's not time wasted."

She smiled and crawled a bit closer to him, her forehead resting against his. His arms came around her and for the first time since this whole situation began she felt safe in the knowledge that she would be able to open her eyes and see his wonderful smile again.

His voice was the last thing she heard as he whispered a few words in her ear,

"_And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!  
And fare-thee-weel, a while!  
And I will come again, my Luve,  
Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!"_

She sighed happily as he placed a soft kiss on her lips, this was how their life would be, always.

* * *

**A/N: The poem is A Red, Red Rose by Robert Burns. A classic, I know, but it suits them. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm sorry it's taken so long to update, but I had a bit of a writer's block after the events of 4.03. I already started the next chapter, so I hope it won't take as long. Thank you very much for all the reviews and the encouragements. This is a bit of a break-through chapter and I hope you enjoy it.  
As always, thank you pussycatwithattitude. :)**

**Tracy, you asked me to describe what Stephen looked like, but I actually left him free for your imagination. He's named after Stephen in Starlings (because no one really liked him) but that doesn't mean he looks like him.**

**Disclaimer: Obviously not mine.**

* * *

He had arranged a meeting with Robert the morning after his conversation with Anna. It was the only time Robert was available, since the restaurant in the city would open its doors next Friday.

He had given William the responsibility of dealing with the Molesleys and Mr Carson today, realising it was a good opportunity for him to prove himself. If he did a good job then John could recommend him to Robert as a manager, he would anyway and he knew Anna would do the same for Daisy.

After telling Anna the whole truth he felt lighter, like a huge weight had fallen off his shoulders. She knew everything and she still wanted to be with him. He knew nothing could break them now, but he wondered how long it would take for them to be together properly. Every day it got harder to leave her, especially after last night. It broke his heart to let her go after the hour they spent in each other's arms.

A knock on his door brought him back out of his reverie and he smiled instantly, realising it must be Anna. He opened the door and she nearly jumped into his arms, pressing her lips against his in a desperate kiss. He knew instantly there was something wrong and he pulled back to look in her eyes. He didn't even have to ask before she told him.

"He knows something."

John was confused, "I don't understand, how?"

She sighed and walked to the sofa, "Apparently Thomas told him something yesterday about watching me and you and it made him think." She shook her head as she sat down, "Stephen asked me all kinds of questions about you this morning. Where I met you, how long we've known each other and then about the dinner. Why I was smiling at you, what we were talking about. He wanted to know everything."

John sat down next to her and took her hand in his, entwining their fingers like he had done so often. He stroked her hair behind her ear as she looked up at him.

"He woke up when I came to bed last night and his hands wandered all over me. He said he..." She looked away as tears formed in her eyes, "He said he wanted me."

John stopped his movements through her hair and his insides turned as he imagined them together. He wanted to ask if anything had happened, but he didn't need to.

"I said I wasn't in the mood and he let me go, but then this morning... I don't know how long I'll be able to refuse him."

He closed his eyes, his mind imagining things he didn't want to see.

"I don't feel anything for him, John, I only ever loved you."

He could hear her voice breaking and his eyes flew open immediately, "I know, Anna." He wrapped his arms around her, "And I love you. It's just this situation."

She pulled back and wiped away a few tears, "I'm sorry."

"None of this is your fault. We will get through this." He cupped her cheeks with both his hands and pressed a tender kiss against her lips, "It just gets harder every day to let you go."

She sighed and rested her forehead against his. They remained quiet for a while trying to comfort each other as their situation weighed heavily on both of them.

"I'm scared sometimes."

Her voice was so soft and he knew she needed him to be there for her. He gently caressed her cheek, "What for?"

"I'm afraid I'll wake up and this has all been a dream. That you're still out there and I'm here waiting for you to return. I'm scared to believe." She took his hand in hers, "But the worst part is that when I wake up in the morning, I'm not in your arms." She sniffed, even though she fought back her tears, "You're not there to tell me we're real. That this, us, is really happening."

He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, he was right – this was getting harder every day and for her as well. He pressed a tender kiss against her temple, "Please listen to me, Anna."

She turned her head towards him as he wiped away her tears.

He took her hand and placed it over his heart, "Is this real?"

He could see a small smile forming on her face and he continued. He entwined their fingers and pressed a soft kiss on her knuckles, the same question rolling off his tongue, "Is this real?"

The smile on her face grew brighter as she watched him, every little thing convincing her more and more of the strong bond between them. He knew exactly what she needed in times like these.

He placed his hand over her heart and brushed his lips against hers as he whispered, "Is this real?"

A few tears streamed down her face, but this time it was tears of happiness. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him closer as she crushed her lips against his.

A knock on the door made them jump apart, both startled by the sudden interruption. John walked to the door as Anna turned around to dry her eyes.

He tried to regulate his breathing before he opened the door, "Robert, come in."

"John, good to see you."

They shook hands as Anna made her way towards them. She kissed Robert on his cheek to greet him, before they sat down. Anna made sure she sat next to John, she knew this wouldn't be easy for him.

Robert sat down in a chair opposite them, "So what's this all about?"

With one look at Anna, John began, "Before I continue I want you to know that I'm very grateful for everything you've done for me."

"It's a small thing considering what you..." He hesitated, not knowing if Anna knew the whole story.

John shook his head, "You would have done the same."

Anna watched the two men, a link between them that no one could ever understand and she could see John struggling to continue. She needed to give him a sign of comfort and she took his hand in hers. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Robert's eyes widening but she only had eyes for John and when his gaze found hers she reassured him, no words were needed.

He gave her a soft smile and he turned back to Robert, "I'm afraid I can't stay, Robert."

"I don't understand." He shook his head in confusion, "How long has this been going on?"

John didn't really know what to say, he didn't know if Anna wanted to tell the whole story, but Anna felt she needed to say something, they were in this together, "Six years."

Robert was more confused than ever, "Six years? But how...?"

John could see the radars in his head turning.

He turned his gaze to John's in wonder, "Anna was the one who wrote you those letters?"

They both nodded and a small smile appeared on Anna's face.

"But how? What happened?"

John sighed, "After my injury I broke all contact, you know how I was." He didn't want to say any more, "When I saw Anna again I couldn't keep fooling myself and apparently I wasn't the only one."

She had to hide her smile, to hear him say those things out loud against someone else made it seem all the more real.

Robert looked from John to Anna and back, trying to take everything in. "What will you do?"

John smiled at Anna and he was glad to see it returned, "We want to fulfil an old dream of ours." He turned back to Robert, "And that's why I..." He paused to correct himself, "…we can't stay. I wanted to tell you, before anything happened."

He studied John for a while and that's when he first noticed the change in his old friend, he could see that he was truly happy and Anna's face told him all he really needed to know, who was he to stop them? He smiled, "When will I lose you two?"

John hesitated, "If it had been possible you would have lost us already, but there's still Stephen."

"Oh yes, I completely forgot about him." He looked at Anna, "You haven't told him?"

She shook her head, choosing not to reply – she needed to share her thoughts with John first, later.

Robert remained quiet for a while, thinking about a solution. "The opening is next Friday, Anna. I don't have enough staff in the kitchen if you're not there. I need you then."

"I know, Robert, I'll be there."

He leant forward with his head in his hands, eyes closed and started thinking out loud, "The restaurant's closed for the weekend... Funeral Sunday...opening next week...new manager..." He looked back up at John, "Where would I get a new manager so soon?"

John smiled, "You've got William."

He furrowed his brow, "William? He's just a waiter."

"I started teaching him the managerial tasks and he's been a great help ever since I first came here."

"All right then, William. I assume you have chef ideas?"

Anna nodded, "Daisy. She's been chef the past week and the compliments never ceased."

He smiled, "You've been planning this for a while, haven't you?"

John and Anna shared a look; their future was becoming more and more real with every second.

Robert didn't notice as his thoughts kept spinning, "You can't leave together of course."

"What?"

Robert looked at Anna and frowned, "Well that's obvious, isn't it? You don't want everyone to know why you're leaving, do you?"

John intervened, "He has a point, Anna."

She turned her head to him, "But why? I don't care if anyone knows."

He squeezed her hand softly, "If you break up with Stephen and he realises it's because you're running away with me, he won't let you go and he might come after us."

Robert tried to help John, "If John goes – say Wednesday – he can tell everyone he has to leave because of a family emergency. Something that happened during the weekend. You stay until after the opening and then you leave because the break with Stephen was... Let's say too hard for you. No harm done."

He smiled, satisfied for coming up with such a brilliant plan, but he could see Anna wasn't convinced.

John noticed the look in Anna's eyes and he knew they needed a moment alone. He turned back to Robert and he got up, realising he should leave them.

"I have to go, I have another meeting this morning."

John stood up with a grateful smile and stretched out his hand, "I can't thank you enough, Robert."

He held up his hand, "Please don't, I have more to thank you for. I will call you later to hear the final details."

They said their goodbyes and Robert stepped out, leaving Anna and John alone.

He felt her arms coming around him from behind as she rested her head between his shoulder blades. "I don't know how I will survive those days without you."

He sighed and turned around in her arms, "We will, because when those few days are over we will have the rest of our lives."

She smiled, "That sounds good."

"It won't be long now."

They shared a smile and he brushed his lips against hers briefly, but he could see she still had a few things on her mind.

"I can't do this anymore, John."

He frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Be with Stephen, pretend to love him while I never did. I know the funeral is in two days, but I can't do this anymore. It's becoming too much. I understand why we can't leave now and be together, I can truly, but I can't be around him anymore. I know it's cruel, but…" She sighed and looked up in his eyes, "I thought I could do this, but I can't. Whenever I'm with you I am reminded of what we could have if we were truly together. I might sound selfish now, I know, but I'm done pretending."

"What brought this on?"

She looked away, "Do you remember what you said to me last night when we left the restaurant?"

He smiled as he relived the moment, "I told you that one day we'd walk the same road home."

She nodded, "I watched you walking further and further away from me and I just can't go through that anymore. I hate to see you leave while I have to go and pretend I love someone else, and when Stephen tried to…" She closed her eyes, the thought alone left her trembling, "… make love to me, I decided it's time to think about the future I really want."

"You're sure?"

She looked back up in his eyes, "I've never been so sure about anything in my whole life."

He crushed his lips against hers, not able to resist her. This was the moment he had been waiting for in so long. He understood her reasons for staying with that man, they had both decided that it was the best plan, but he could see her breaking a little more every day. He knew this would hurt Stephen, but in this moment he couldn't care, she would be truly his and nothing had ever sounded better to him.

She broke away giggling, "I guess you agree."

"I just can't believe this is all happening." He entwined their fingers, "What do you want to do?"

"I think it's best if I talk to him as soon as possible."

"Take the day off, Daisy can handle the kitchen on her own, she has Ivy." She wasn't really responding and he thought things might have gone too fast in the last five minutes. "Unless you want to wait, I know it's all going a bit fast now."

"Have you been listening to anything I just said, John?" She smiled as she noticed the frown on his face, "I told you, I'm done waiting."

He smiled as he placed a soft kiss in her palm, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I need to do this alone, but thank you." She gave him a reassuring smile, "I'm going to call Mary, ask her if I can stay there tonight and then I'll try to talk to him."

He wrapped his arms around her, his mouth close to her ear, "A shame you can't stay with me tonight."

His words ignited a fire inside her and the heat coming from his body did nothing to quench the need in her. She tightened her grip around him, cherishing the feelings of desire he inflicted on her. _It won't be long now. _She only hoped he was right, she couldn't go on without him for much longer. She pressed a soft kiss to his neck, realising she had to let him go else she wouldn't be able to do so anymore. The smile he threw her made her believe he knew exactly how he was affecting her, but the kiss he gave her left her in no doubt. This man knew exactly how to drive her to the edge. But she couldn't deny she enjoyed this, very much so.

"I'll come by tonight when you're settled with Mary, but if there's anything I can do, please let me know."

She smiled, "Thank you."

With one last brush of lips, she slipped out of the door, mentally preparing herself for what she was about to do. This was the right thing to do, she needed to think about herself now and she knew she couldn't handle this for one more day. There had been enough crying in their relationship now and she knew John hated this situation as well, although he was very good at hiding it. As soon as she was in her car, she called Mary. Of course it wasn't a problem for her to stay there; she didn't even ask a lot of questions. Anna would tell her the whole story tonight anyway, John wouldn't mind. After all, they told Robert as well.

She had just put down her phone as her message tone beeped. She smiled as she saw John's name appearing.

_I realised I've only told you once today, I really do love you, Miss Smith._

Her phone beeped again as she was replying – another message from John.

_PS check your pocket._

She frowned and checked her pocket, smiling as she felt the familiar feeling of a note in her hands.

_"And when two lovers woo  
They still say, "I love you."  
On that you can rely  
No matter what the future brings  
As time goes by"_

She could hear the words being sung in her head as she read the lyrics, reminding her of the letter she received so many years ago when he told her about his favourite film. Tears were threatening to escape as she read the few words he had scribbled beneath the lyrics.

_We'll make our own ending, my love._

Nothing ever felt as good as the love he gave her, every little thing reminding her she was the only one for him. They had come a long way, and now their future was within reach. She knew she would hurt Stephen, but there was no way she could feign her love for him any longer without breaking down herself.

She closed her eyes for a moment, letting the song play in her head until she found the right words to reply.

_"Woman needs man  
And man must have his mate  
That no one can deny."_

_I can't wait to pave our way home together._

She smiled satisfied as she sent her reply – this would surely help him get through this day as well. It would be hard not to see him until tonight, but they had agreed to call as soon as she was with Mary.

Once home, or rather a place she used to call home, she found Stephen sitting on the sofa. He looked up in surprise to see her standing in the doorway.

"Anna, what are you doing here?"

He smiled at her and she felt her determination wavering, but then she thought of John and her strength returned, "We need to talk."

She sat down on the sofa next to him and she could see he was confused.

"There's no easy way to tell you this."

"Just tell me." He reached for her hands, but she pulled away.

Her eyes met his and she didn't feel guilty at all. In a way it made her doubt herself, had she become so cruel? Or was there just something so much stronger pulling her to the man she truly loved? Something that overshadowed every other feeling she could ever have?

"I can't do this anymore." She noticed he didn't really understand, and she added quietly, "Us."

He remained silent as he looked at her and she tried to read his expressions. Shock, disappointment, hurt, confusion, but his eyes turned cold and he settled on anger. She braced herself for what was to come.

"Is this because of him?"

She realised he meant John, but he couldn't know, "Who?"

"John." He nearly spit his name out, as if it was poison.

"Why would this have anything to do with him?"

"I've seen the way you look at him."

"Stephen don't be ridiculous, there's nothing between me and John. We're just friends."

He stared her down and she tried her very best to remain composed, staring straight back. There was a coldness in his eyes she had never seen as if he despised her already.

"Then what is it? There must be something. We're getting married in two months; there must be a reason why my fiancée wants to call the whole thing off. Or is she just fickle? Shall I tell that to our guests? She decided she's had enough of me."

She didn't say anything, choosing to let him rage.

"Or are you going to throw the classic at me? What was it again? It's not you it's me? Is that it? Well then, say something. Or are you just going to sit there?"

He grabbed her hand with a force she didn't expect, but she pulled back immediately.

"What? I'm not even allowed to touch you anymore?"

"Stephen, don't do this." She almost pleaded with him, he was making a fool out of himself and she didn't want him to.

"Do what? Ask for an explanation? You say it's not because of him, but how can I believe that?"

"Because I say so."

"Oh right and I can still believe you?"

She remained silent and he continued his rage, standing up and pacing the floor until he stopped to look in her eyes.

"I should have known when you started to pull away from me. I could see it in your eyes, but I ignored it."

The hurt started to come through and the anger faded, "I'm sorry, Stephen."

He sniggered and shook his head, "So this is it then? A year, thrown away like it was nothing."

She chose not to reply and stood up instead.

He took a few steps in her direction, "Where are you going now?"

"I'm sleeping with Mary tonight and probably longer, until I find a place of my own."

"So you're leaving me already?"

She looked in his eyes, "You know as well as I do, it's for the best, Stephen."

He closed the distance between them, their faces only inches apart, "For you, you mean." His hands circled her wrists and she struggled to free herself.

"Don't be ridiculous, Stephen, let me go."

He forced his lips on hers, but she pushed him back with a force she didn't realise she had in her.

"I'm leaving now and I'd appreciate it if you let me."

She didn't afford him one look as she stepped out, banging the door closed behind her. The last thing she heard was him shouting some insults after her.

The minute she sat down in her car she drove away, she needed to get out of there. This wasn't the Stephen she knew and she wondered if she ever really knew him. In a matter of seconds he had changed completely. All she wanted was to be with John now, but she knew he had a very busy day. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes, but she didn't know if they came out of fear or relief. What she had been thinking about doing since John had re-entered her life had finally happened and she didn't know how to feel. All she knew was she needed to see or hear him – the first wasn't an option, because she wouldn't be able to control herself when she saw him. She pulled over and took out her phone, dialling his number.

When his voice reached her ears, she broke down, but the overwhelming feeling was relief.

He panicked when he heard her sobbing through the phone, "Anna? Are you all right? Where are you? Do you want me to come to you?"

She smiled through her tears, "I'm fine, I'm just so relieved."

"Thank god, I thought something terrible had happened, but you're all right?"

"Yes."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, John!" She nearly screamed it through the phone – his concern made him all the more endearing to her. "Silly chump."

"I wish I could be with you, but we're serving lunch as well now, I really can't leave them."

"I know, don't worry, John, I'll see you tonight."

He smiled, "I love you."

She sighed happily, "I love you too, John, so much."

He hung up the phone and got on with his work. Worry left him now he had heard her voice, everything would be all right. He wanted to be with her so badly, but he knew there was no way he could leave the restaurant. They had to work two shifts now, since the restaurant would be closed for the weekend and they were fully booked again.

The lunch was going really well when something happened he didn't expect. Stephen walked in the restaurant and his eyes zeroed in on John.

He walked over to John as he was talking to William, "So you got the girl as well."

John startled and he turned around to stare in a pair of glassy eyes, he recognised the look and he realised Stephen had been drinking. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He pushed John in the chest, "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

John looked around and, noticing they had drawn attention from the guests, he urged Stephen to come to his office. Once the door was closed, he continued his rage.

"She left me this morning, saying it has nothing to do with you, but I know it does."

"Stephen, there's absolutely nothing between me and Anna."

He ignored John, choosing to focus on his own rant, "Thomas told me to watch you two yesterday and it made me think. Ever since you came here, she's been distant towards me, rebuffing me every time I try to be close to her. And then yesterday during dinner..." He shook his head and looked up at John, "I saw the looks between you two, don't tell me I'm mistaken."

"Anna and I are just friends, we've know each other for a long time."

"How long exactly? She's been reluctant to tell me anything about you." He took a few steps closer to John, "For all I know you've been together behind my back. It's what you could expect from someone like her."

John's blood was boiling and he tightened his grip on his cane, willing to calm himself, but the words Stephen spit out next were too much.

"Nothing but an ordinary slut."

John snapped and he pushed Stephen against the wall, no one should talk about her like that.

He was surprised by the force with which the old cripple had him in a grip, but he just laughed in his face, "It seems I struck a chord there."

"Don't you dare call her that."

The grin on his face never faded and John had to resist the urge to beat it off his face.

"Anna and I are just friends and that's the last thing I will say over the matter." It took all his self-restraint to let him go.

He laughed in John's face, "I don't care anymore, you can have her. She was never that good anyway."

John knew Stephen was just challenging him, and it took everything he had to stop himself from flinging himself at him, but then he thought of Anna. She deserved better than this.

"Just leave, Stephen."

He stared John down for a moment, but he soon realised he couldn't break him.

John watched him leave and released a breath he didn't know he was holding. He really hadn't expected that, but the worst part was how he insulted Anna. She had always told him that Stephen really loved her, but in the course of one day he could change completely and start insulting her?

He composed himself before he went back down, trying to wrestle his way through the day. The need to hold her in his arms became more pressing with every second that passed. William came towards him as soon as he was down, asking him what that was all about. John couldn't explain what the true reason was, so he only told him Stephen and Anna broke up. He didn't need to be very bright to figure out that Stephen had accused John of taking away _his girl, _John didn't even bother to deny it. Soon this would all be over and he and Anna would be out of this mess.

* * *

The day flew by for Anna, once she had told Mary the whole story they went back to Stephen's to collect her stuff. She was glad to see that Stephen wasn't home, even though Mary was with her now. She didn't want another confrontation. She only took the most important items – she didn't care about a sofa, or a bed or anything else. Her most important possession lay upstairs in the attic, the small box containing the heart of her love for John. Nothing else mattered.

During the day she constantly had to resist the urge to call John. She knew he was busy, but it didn't stop her from checking her phone every five seconds. He had called her in between shifts, but he sounded very distracted, not the John she had heard only a few hours ago. Worry filled her then and she only hoped he would be there soon so she could see for herself there was nothing wrong like he had told her so many times.

It was nearly midnight when John knocked on Mary's door, expecting to see Anna, but to his surprise it was Mary who opened the door.

"Mary, I'm sorry to bother you so late."

She smiled, "Come in."

As John stepped inside she could see his eyes wandering around, "She's upstairs."

He gave her a shy smile as he looked up again. He would run up those stairs if he could, but he didn't want to be disrespectful towards Mary.

"Are you staying tonight?"

John turned around and his eyes widened when Mary spoke those words so bluntly. He could feel himself blushing and he stammered, "I wasn't planning on... I mean I never thought... I wouldn't..."

She laughed, "Don't worry, John, I'm going out anyway. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do."

With that she turned around and left, "Tell Anna I've gone out."

He felt like a school boy who had just been scolded by his mother for kissing a girl on the playground. The door closed with a thud and he stood alone in the hallway. His eyes travelled up the stairs and he felt nervous when his feet followed his eyes. There was a door open and with one look inside he could see it was Mary's room. He stepped further, noticing every door was open except for one.

He knocked on the door, chuckling as he heard Anna say, "Mary, you shouldn't knock on doors in your own house."

The door opened and there she stood, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and now she was truly his. The smile she gave him was brighter than any he had ever seen and when she pulled him inside to guide his lips towards hers, he knew nothing could ever come between them.

He broke away panting for breath and she smiled up at him, her arms wrapped around his neck while his hands settled on her hips, holding her close to him.

"It feels so good to be in your arms again."

He smiled, "It feels good to have you this close again."

She placed another soft kiss on his lips, "How long will you stay?"

He threw her a cheeky smile, "How long do you want me to stay?"

"Forever," she replied without missing a beat.

Her answer didn't miss its reaction as he pressed his lips against hers again, not able to resist the desire she fuelled in him. Forever sounded so good, but he knew he couldn't spend the night with her. He would feel uncomfortable since it was Mary's house and they still needed to be careful with Stephen. Even though he told him they were just friends, he knew Stephen didn't believe him. It wouldn't surprise him at all if Stephen showed up at Mary's house in the morning, how would he explain himself if Stephen saw him here?

It was so hard to resist her, but he had to pull away, else he wouldn't be able to control himself any longer.

She understood without him having to say anything. She knew from the beginning nothing could happen between them once they were here together, he wouldn't feel comfortable and if she were completely honest, nor would she.

She took his hand in hers and pulled him with her to the bed, "Just hold me for a while John."

He smiled. It would never fail to amaze him how she could read him without the need for words.

She laid herself down and pulled him with her, ever so gentle. Face to face, their legs tangled, their arms creating a safe haven for both of them and their gazes fixed on each other.

"Are you really all right?"

His voice was so tender, full of concern and she could only smile, "Yes, John."

She pressed a soft kiss against his lips, "I know we're still not completely free, but this is the beginning. I chose you a long time ago and nothing's going to change my mind."

He smiled, it felt so good to hear her say those words.

She would never tire of the sight of his smile before her, he was everything she ever wanted and she couldn't quite believe her luck that she was lying next to him in this very moment without worrying about being home too late. She stared at him for a while, drinking him in, memorising his touch as he continued his loving caresses on her back. For a moment she lost herself in her thoughts, every time she was with him she couldn't stop thinking about their future. How it would be once they were truly alone and free to love.

He entwined their fingers and pressed a soft kiss on her knuckles to bring her out of her reverie. She looked at him questioningly, "To answer your question, I think I can stay until dawn. Then I'd better leave."

She nodded, it was more than they had ever had, but it still wasn't long enough for her. But she understood, it wouldn't be good if Stephen saw him here.

She thought back to their phone call earlier, "John, will you tell me what happened today?"

He frowned, "What do you mean? When?"

"When you called, you didn't sound like… you."

He closed his eyes and sighed, "Stephen came to the restaurant."

Anna's eyes widened, "Are you serious?"

John nodded, "He accused me of stealing _his_ girl."

"Oh god, what did you do?"

"I took him to my office where he started ranting, going on and on about me and you. I told him several times we were just friends, but I don't think he believed me. It seems we weren't as secretive as we thought."

"It's hard to hide your feelings, when the person you truly love is near you."

"That's very true, my love."

He leaned forward to press his lips against hers, but she pulled back, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because..." He sighed and looked away, "Because I did something I'm not very proud of."

"What do you mean?"

He turned to lay on his back, rubbing his eyes as he let go of her.

She leant over him on her elbow, "Please tell me, John. You know nothing will ever make me think less of you." She placed her hand on his cheek, willing him to look at her.

"He insulted you, so I..." He hesitated, "I pushed him against the wall."

A small smile formed on her face, "Did you really?"

He was a bit confused by her smile and he felt he needed to explain himself, "I couldn't just stand there while he said those things about you."

She crushed her lips against his, the thought of him defending her honour creating a fire inside her. He was a bit taken aback by her sudden movements, but he couldn't help but let out a soft moan as her tongue met his.

She pulled back as the need for air arose, "Thank you."

A giggle escaped her as he pulled her lips back to his, flipping them over in the process. Her hands wandered over his back, trying to get familiar with the tight muscles she found there. They travelled further to his arms, feeling the strength that had defended her today. His lips moved over every inch of her face until his mouth was close to her ear, "I should push men more often against a wall if it has this effect on you."

"You have this effect on me."

He cupped her cheek tenderly and pressed a soft kiss against her lips, a smile gracing his features, "I love you, Anna, so much."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, "I love you too, John, always have and always will."

He took one hand back in his and entwined their fingers as he brushed his lips against hers.

"Stay with me, will you?"

He smiled in answer and turned her on her side, finding their natural position like they had done in the few stolen hours on John's sofa. In the warmth of his arms she felt sleep overwhelming her, until she could do nothing more than succumb to sleep in the safety of his arms, the man she truly loved.

* * *

**A/N: The lyrics are from the soundtrack of Casablanca, called As Time Goes By. Written by Herman Hupfeld, but beautifully performed by Dooley Wilson as Sam in the film.**


End file.
